• my dads aunt died yesturday. it is sad. i feel bad for him and for that side of my family. its sadsadsadsad. i am selfish and i hate myself. and i hate myself for saying i hate myself because someone might pity me if i say i hate myself. and i hate myself for saying that because somone might think i'm only saying that so people pity me. and i hate myself for thinking people would pity me because nobody would. and i hate myself for really wanting people to pity me. and i hate myself because i dont really know if i want people to pity me because i dont deserve pity. and i hate myself because when you want/recieve pity your pathetic. and i hate myself for talking about hating myself insetead of my dad and his aunt

  i didnt know her, if i ever met her i cant remember. i am never sad when people die...i've never known anybody close that has died...my great grandma i wasn't even sad for, i was sad for my mom and my grandma because i knew they were so sad. i remember seeing my mom being sad and crying. i dont remember seeing my grandma sad but know i realise that was probably because she was still in wisconsin when she died and so i would have never seen her mourning. i wasnt sad at all. even though i knew i would never see her again i still wasnt sad. it just never happened. i just accepted it. and stopped thinking about it. and when mary lou died i did the same thing. i still remember seeing both of them in there caskets. mary lou did not look like herself at all. my mom said if she looked more like herself she might have been more sad...more "hard" for her. hard to deal with hard to think of her in her grave with maggots crawling through her body and eating her from the inside out. i remember mary lou, she was really sweet and when we went to her house she always had various stuffed toys on the steps of her starway. some of them played music and some of them moved. i think i remember making them all go at once before. i can see her face but parts of it are blurry....i can see the general outline of her head and her light blondish(?) thin hair... and her nose and her chin...her nose was  pointed(?) slightly and her chin. i hope im not being stupid and saying the wrong thing. i remember she was a sweet lady. she was very sweet. and i can remember her voice... my grandma did her taxes for her because it was hard for her...she was old. she was older then my grandma. i remember her door and her starway, of her house. she worked at carson's.. she and my grandma were shopping buddies. they both loved carson's. i dont think i was scared of mary lou.

  thats all i remember

  i remember my great grandma loved pepermints. i remember that we used to always go to the crakle barrel and when we bought things in the little store we always got her pepermints. i remember she loved max. she loved him loved him loved him. i remember thinking she lived max more then me. i think when i saw her happy with max i didnt care. i remember that she made ornaments, they were stuffed little figures of characters in stories of movies, mostly the original disney ones. and she made so many that my grandma's whole christmas tree was filled up with them. and even though it was a fake tree it was the most beautiful tree i'd ever seen. it was amazing. i remember seeing her make some ornaments. i remember that she sometimes had trouble getting out of my grandpas car. i think i was scared to talk to her. but i still loved her. i know that my mom and my grandma love her very much.

  i hope im sad when other people die. i think i will be, i just didnt know them well enough to be sad. i remember both of them in there caskets, i was scared to see my great grandma. there was a line during church and people could go see her one last time before they closed it. i was scared and they said i didnt have to go...i think... but i made myself... i just felt like it was the thing i had to do. i dont think liz or ali went. or they might have followed me. i dont know, i just remember getting up and going. i dont remember the rest... but i remember her in her casket. i was surprised...because she didnt look like herself. neither did mary lou...they looked like wax meuseum figures...like soemone made them to look like them... but they didnt.... and there eyes were closed and it was weird..... it was too weird...

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