• i was exausted again. i wonder when this is ever gonna end. but weirdly i was tired but not, like i felt like i had just drunk 10g of coffee or something. i felt really shaky and kinda dizzy and just weird. christian wasn't at school. i am kinda suspicious of whats going on with him latley. last night he said he went to a concert and i know that because i talked to some people who saw him there, but he was supposed to call me around 9 and he never did that. yeah he doesnt have a cell but he could use somebody else's...he usually does that anyways. and today he wasn't at school and his sister was.... so i know she could have given him a ride so i hope he doesnt pull that one on me. and i just fucking called him and noone answered... what the fuck. am i being played? because "i dont like being played" as someone has said to me before. hahahah goooood times. not. really. but seriously i hope i'm not...am i? ahh

  i wrote this in my study hall again. its in me and christian's notebook but i will probably rip in out. just so i dont freak him out.  i spent lunch by myself in the library....its actually a relief not to have to talk to people.

  i miss you and i wish you were here i hate everybody and i hate this day and i dont feel good and i wanna go home and i'm worried because i hope nothing happened to you bad. and this day feels like a week i'm so unconscious today but enough to feel like shit haha thank you very much it is so hard to force myself to do things today unbelievably hard people dont know hard work at all they dont they dont understand and nobody understands me especially myself im done im done with forcing myself i cant i cant anymore i really need you today i wish you were here im so tired and i feel so weird like a nervous feeling like impatient and all twitchy but im not thinking anything im just shaky and i have this weird feeling its like light but not in a good way its bad and uncomfortable and im sorry im sorry but i cant force myself to do anything anymore right now i just cant im sorry im sorry im not good really i am im so lost im sorry im like this but is it in my head? or is it real i cant tell i cant ever tell im kindof aware but not really not really i wish i could think clearer i think i would be smart i wish i could be smart i want to but i cant ever ever i cant ever be smart and you cant say i am because your not me you dont understand how fucking primitive my thoughts are, thought processing so dont fucking say im smart dont say it dont say it  dont say anything i know what i am i do im aware i can compare myself to what i should be and im failing im failing  so miserably at life and everything im so wrong everything is wrong and im in this cloud and i need to get out i want to be out again but i cant get out i was scared of this and it happened again i knew it would i knewit would happen its karma for doing the wrong thing making the wrong choice god is like how the puritians though of his he wants tho throw us in the fire we are bugs we are in hell now im sorry really sorry i did all that wrong iam sorry everything is so unconnected why dont i connect together? like i should? its not fair yes it is because its motherfucking karma

   yeah i dont know why the limited use of periods but whatever.

  I DONT WANNA GET SCREWED WITH.

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