so tired. im so exausted. my mood is so black..
i can barley type. im so tired... i really need sleep.
i tryed calling connie back in spite of this. but she didnt answer... actually i find myself more relieved then annoyed when she doesnt pick up latley. i feel like our friendship is slipping away, becoming a part of my past, a part of the old me. i dont know if we are still going to be friends for very long. yeah i love her, but she is going down a weird path and i am not sure if i want to follow. i make my own decisions now. just i used to completely worship her. i was so envious of how she was. i modeled myself to be just like her, and know i just find her more pathetic then inspirational. i feel so bad for her though, with her mental issues and her problems with her mom, but i kinda really really feel bad for her mom....i dunno. i am still good friends with mal, and i hope that we will continue to be friends because i feel like she's a good one to have. yeah i can relate to connie more, and we have our super weird sister like connection, but she really doesnt do anything good for me. her morals are distorted and she really has absolutley no direction. and because of her (but not blaming her) i am kinda weird...but thats also just me. if i never would have met her i still would be so shy and "socially-retarded" as my friends put it... the fact is that i had no social skills, i didn't know how to "talk" to people. i didnt know how to engage in conversation, i didn't know how to respond, i didn't know how to not sound mean... i was so lost... really for much of my elementary school years were spent alone or feeling like i didn't belong, just feeling "not right" in my little group. i felt more right alone, or hanging out with the different kids...misfits...weirdos... i got along with them so well and i always defended them if they were being made fun of, not to be a hero, just for being fair. which was in my opinion the most important thing. when i met connie i completely dropped everything...everything that i stood for at such a small age. i...for the first time..i talked about people behind there backs, i tryed to draw attention to myself (in negitive attention drawing ways) ii was a different me. what happened?... i am so loyal to who i am with that it is almost scary...i now realise that posibly the way i was acting was putting my loyalty to connie before my high standards of right and wrong. to me it came down to...areyou going to lose the only friend you have? or are you going to change yourself? and i chose the wrong thing. i wish icould go back in time.
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