• i'm getting awful recurring nightmares so i am not sleeping very well. i read up on Josef Mengele and the Auschwitz concentration camp. he was a doctor. he experimented on jewish children. he injected chemicals into their eyes to try to change their colour. he injected poisons into their bodies. he was the one who discovered that when a human is scared enough, he sweats blood. imagine how fucking scared you have to be to sweat blood. he liked to experiment on twins especially. he actually sewed a pair of twins together. their veins and arteries and everything. to find out how a body would cope with two brains and two hearts. their parents strangled them to put them out of their misery. he was a world war II criminal. he was never caught. he died from a stroke while swimming on a beach in paraguay. then i learned about the "american holocaust" which was the spaniards torturing the indigenous people. it's equally as horrific.

  everything seems so small and insignificant after what they went through. and they didnt deserve it. not one bit. all the so-called "tyrants" of my life are pathetic. my heart used to be big enough to fit people in the present. the past is so much more compact and flexible. and i'm scared of the future. i worry that it will be the same as the past. 

  just coz it fits in my heart that doesnt mean that it's even a longshot of love.

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