• i feel really blah.

  i was really mad today. i wrote this in my study hall.

  and a sick wave of rage washed over me, through me, blurring my sight and internally putting a smoky veil of anger and clouding my thoughts, taking over my thoughts. I am the hulk.I am changed. I am powerful and strong. and i am not willing to lose it now. the pound, pound, pound of pain thundering, rupturing, held inside my head is the beat of my own war drum. Exciting and hypnotising me in it's strange steady rythem. i am focused for the first time in a long time. and i am ready.

  (I am Strong)

   i capitalized the S in strong because doing so i had given myself a new identity. because i had never felt the way i had, i was a different person, and this person wants power and isn't overcome by her emotions, which is a flaw of mine. one of many. Emily is never strong. she is pushed around by everyone and takes everything to heart. she cares too much too. she is selfish and she lives in here own world. and she doesnt see like others do. she is lazy and she never makes a dent in anything or anybody. she hasn't experianced half of life because she is too scared or too stupid. I need to be Strong. I have too.

  now i am drained. i don't feel anything. i have no energy to do anything. i just sit here. i am tired of trying, but litterally, i am so tired. and my headaches are coming back and they hurt really bad. and i am so confused sometimes. and am starting to get scared and paniciy all the time. like something will set me off and everything will slow down...and my thoughts are really jumbled and when i try to talk some things come out that i was supposed to think not say.. and i just don't feel in control. its the weirdest thing but in a way it is interesting.

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