• Do you ever really look around your home or room? I mean really, really look around it. Sit on the floor of your bedroom and just peer up at the walls. It almost feels like you don't live there because you never look at it that way. It's like, by looking at it that way you realize what you take for granted.
  
  Arnol came over Friday, which was cool I suppose. I just really wanted that evening to myself and my mom, but it's okay. I was suppose to go the movies with the girl I went bowling with before. She invited me during gym, and I figured her boyfriend would go along so when she called later I asked if it would be okay if Dar came too. She said she'd have to ask Ky (her boyfriend) and would then call back.
  
  I hadn't asked Dar yet if he wanted to go, for I wasn't sure when we'd go. So, she calls back and says 'well, I don't think so, we don't really know Dar and we just don't want it to be AWKWARD.' then goes on to say Bray is going (her boyfriend's cousin who paid for my bowling last time)
  
  So, I said okay, but texted her and backed out.
  
  It just bothered me so much. When she invited me to hang out with her, I wanted to hang out with her not her, her boyfriend, and his cousin. The last time was whatever and I didn't expect it to be like that everytime. It just feels like they're trying to set me up with Bray. Plus, her boyfriend and his cousin are kind of huge..for lack of a better term, douches.
  
  It just made me so mad that she didn't want it to be awkward. Because I mean, it wasn't awkward or anyhitng for me when I had to not only hang out with her for the first time, but also meet to strangers. Not only that, but I was pretty much stuck with Bray because she's up her boyfriend's arse.
  
  I don't really see myself talking to her much anymore.
  
  I could rant more about Ali, my other female friend, but I think I'll just let that subject be.
  
  Saturday Dar came over and I almost felt like I had to live up to last weekend, which was rather impeccable. It all turned out well though.
  
  At one point I thought I had ruined the whole day.
  
  Death has once again been on my mind a lot lately, and with death comes all these questions. And something about Dar holding me in my kitchen made it all come on at once and I just couldn't hold it in anymore.
  
  He held my hand and then guided me to my room where we lay down on my bed and he hushed me and told it would be okay and we spoke softly of the subject at hand and then I was calm.
  
  The stangest part is that I haven't felt panicky or anything, talking about things usually never helps me, but it did.
  
  We asked his mom if he could stay over, again, but she said no, again. She said he's not old enough? So we made muffins and forgot about it. Around 11pm we decided since he couldn't stay we'd just sleep till 12 when he goes home. It was very nice,
  
  He texted me today asking if I had woken him up. I didn't really know what he meant at first, and the he asked if I called his name or shook him anything, and I said yes. Then he said that me doing that made him feel like we lived together, and that he really could picture us lasting that long.
  
  It's nice not feeling like I could lose him at any moment (which I feel that a lot of young relationships feel like that) or that we'll grow apart, since we've stayed friends for so long so easily.
  
  It's just like our personalities fit together. If there's anything we disagree on we just don't bother with it, neither of us will change our minds, so why bother it? I guess it's mostly just nice because we have the same ideals so there's nothing we have to figure out.
  
  A friend of mine is going through a tough time, I really hope I'm able to be there for him. He has been there for me so very much, I just want to return the favor. I also just hope he doesn't feel alone. I don't know if he felt like that to begin with, but I just hope he doesn't ever feel like that. He's just a wonderful person (despite anything he says) I just hope life turns out well for him, he truly deserves it.
  
  Quote of the Day:
  ~"To be nobody but myself -- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting."~
  --E.E Cummings

   

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