• today was one of those days you needed to have and at the same time, want to just forget about. i was already anticipating coming in to uni today to see her, but i didnt know what i was going to do, whether keep the friendship alive and keep it at that or distance myself for my own good, because i dont know how much longer i can take it. the smile caught me off guard, and i couldnt resist to smile back, but thats all i gave today. thankfully my friend was sitting between us two, otherwise i woudlve had stronger mixed emotions, which i dont know what that wouldve done to me, im already falling apart inside, but ofcourse no one knows that, you can never let others see that side of you. so as much as i wanted to go to her and make her laugh and smile, i resisted. it was very hard at first, because she would give me her cute little puppy face with her adorable hello, i returned it half heartedly, i wanted to look her in the eyes, but if i did my heart would probably crumble on the spot, cause i know it cannot be, will not be, so why should i pursue it, even tho i very much want to. so the entire lecture went like that, i actually listened properly, for once and got some work done. after she went off to the guy she has her eyes on, felt even more worse when she went up to me and said "im off to see my 'lover'" jokingly (of all the people she tells about these things, it had to be me) i just returned a jokingly laugh and suppressed what i really wanted to say. i really hope she doesnt go for that guy, because he doesnt look like he would take care of her, to top it off he smokes, which is just even more offputting, she deserves so much more, not me, but someone so much more, i truly hope she finds that someone. i wish i had someone to talk to about these things, not that person who just agrees or disagrees and doesnt really understand what your feeling, someone who can really relate, this journal is all i really have to express it all. the rest of the day went by slowly after that, in a nut shell i was just constantly drifting in and out of reality nonstop thinking about her. went pass class with the friend who was sitting in between us (oh she wants me to take notes for her, i feel so used, but maybe im just looking to deep into things) then after i managed to do acct homework in my 1 hr break, then acct tute, then a long boring lecture, by then i was really really really drained physically mentally and emotionally, only thing keeping me alive was listening to my mp3, i dont know how i woudlve got thru without it. then bus to central saw sadaya and ben and had a nice train ride with em home, even if it was allstops, that was probly the up of the day, then after was a calming walk home, the sun was just getting down, but lately the sunrises havent been as beautiful as they were a few weeks before, i think they were only so beautiful before because of her, yes i am sure of it... i wonder if she even knows about this...i dont think so, i wonder how she would feel if she knew.. songofthemoment daphne loves derby - these ghosts, my hopes, the sand, the sea

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