• I know I'm writing a lot lately, and I think part of me is just writing so I can not think. As if writing down everything will make me forget about it, sadly that's not the case. I know I talked about this in my last entry, but I'm so afraid of getting older. It's like..we're all in this big race to get to a certain age, to get out of high school and to go to college and to get a job and to start living. But what I don't understand is that while we are all in this big race we are all forgetting to really live. It's like...we don't feel we truly start living until a certain age or a certain point in our lives, but we are all living right now. Whether you are 10,5,14,24,or even 75 we are all living. It's like...we almost forget that at times. We forget to just live, and to enjoy the fact that we are living. I asked Camden last night if he ever felt we were all just letting life slip by and none of us even realize it, and he said lately he increasingly felt that way. It's finally starting to change colors outside. I bought a few Halloween decorations for my room. I bought these two little buckets and put tiny candles in them and I bought some fake flowers that are orange and deep red, almost maroon. It's especially hard for me right now because I'm wanting to tell everyone how much they mean to me, but it's so hard for me to. I mean, I don't just want to say it I want to show it. I just want them all to know they are so important to me and without them I would be truly lost, but it's so difficult to convey that. Autumn always feels kind of melancholy to me, even though it is my favorite season. I think it feels that way because everything is dying and winter is about to come, and winter always seems to close us in. I don't know how to properly say this, but Autumn is like..a subtle happy sort of melancholy. It's so beautiful but so sad all at once. It's so strange. Everything is so strange lately. I just feel a little lost right now, not how I used to feel. I don't mean that at all. I just feel like I've strayed away from the path I was trying so desperately to stay on. Then again, maybe that path wasn't the right one and that's why I strayed. I've been having really weird dreams lately and I've started sleep walking again like I did when I was little. Camden said it's usually caused by stress, but I don't feel really stressed lately. Maybe it's from being restless, I don't know, I think I'll ask him if he gets online today or tonight. I almost want to get gifts for all the people that mean so much to me, but I don't know what I would get them, and some of them I couldn't get gifts for because they don't live near me. And I couldn't really ask for their addresses because it could seem a little weird. I just don't want to die someday and feel like I didn't ever get to tell the people I truly cherish what they mean to me. I don't know, this has been on my mind for a while. I've realized that I narrate my life, and it's kind of odd. It doesn't annoy me or anything, but it's still really odd because I don't know anyone else who does that. (except maybe JD but he's not really real..) I also tend to picture my life as a metaphoric scene. The current scene is me just walking down this dirt road in the middle of the country, each side of the road is lined with trees and they're in full Autumn 'bloom.' There's no destination as to where I'm going and I'm walking very leisurely. I'm not really sure if that's normal, but I'm pretty sure I've always done it. I don't know, maybe I'm just unusual. Anyway, have a great Friday everyone. Quote of the Day: ~"I saw old autumn in the misty morn Stand shadowless like silence, listening To silence."~ --Thomas Hood So, from now on I'm not going to worry whether I know the people I quote or not. I like this quote, the whole silence listening to silence thing kind of reminds me of myself.

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