Second post in a day, whoo. This is actually the first time I've done this, so that's ok. I've just done a lot of thinking since posting last, I guess. Not about the specific situation, just about myself in general. I came to a simple conclusion: I am pathetic. Not in a mean, self-degrading way. I don't mean I'm a pathetic human being, I mean I condone pathetic behaviors in myself, which in of itself is degrading. I obsess - I obsess. I obsess over everything. Guys - I check my cell phone, Myspace, I do ridiculous things and stress myself for, what, a comment? A text I can return? I worry about everything - if I don't talk to him right now, he's going to forget about me and go talk to another girl. Etc, etc. I can't believe in myself, that maybe he thought I was just chill and pretty and enjoys spending time with me. I feel like I have to fight for something I don't really need to fight for. School - I have to be better than everyone. I have to get a higher grade, a higher GPA, say something more clever in class, have more original ideas, pontificate more articulately, basically. I am, in all fairness, one of the smarter students, but I can't leave it at that. I beat myself up because I won't ever be this straight-A, get-everything-right, Ivy League-bound young woman. But I don't WANT to be that girl. I want to go to a small liberal arts school, not a big-name university. I want to work in international relations, not be a "doctor" or "lawyer" or "(insert other cliche 'smart person' career here)". But I feel OBLIGATED to be that girl. And friends? Forget about it. I am a walking contradiction. On one hand, with one friend, I want to be the cool-headed one who takes everything in stride. No, wait, this contradicts the part of my personality that is fixated on that message from that guy and the part of my personality that is mad that the girl who sits next to me in math got a point higher than me on the test. I want to be the one who gossips about drugs and sex. Hold on! That contradicts the part of my personality that wants to take the moral high ground, not for religious reasons, but for intellectual reasons, which arises from my need to be some smart savant. I want to be the one who giggles loudly and cracks high-volume jokes. No, no, no! That contradicts the part of my personality that wants to be the suave, sexy young woman who lets just enough cleavage show and says witty things in American history class that even make the teacher laugh in spite of himself. WHAT. THE. FUCK. It all arises from insecurity. I know that. I know that. I know that. I know I'm insecure, even though I try so desperately fucking goddamn SO SO HARD not to be. I know I am. I'm not as pretty as my one friend, I'm not as cute as my other friend, I'm not as sexy as the next. I'm not as smart as my one friend, I'm not as bad ass as my other friend, I'm not as funny as the next. Boys don't like me as much as they like my one friend. People don't like me as much as my other friend. Life doesn't treat me as well as the next. I'm so wrapped up in what I don't have, and I'm such a goddamn hypocrite, because I do exactly what I tell my best friend not to do - compare myself to other people. Because you're never going to measure up if you do that. You'll never going to be as good as everyone together. You're never going to be as pretty, smart, special, unique, rich, talented, whatever as the next. I know that, I know, that, I know that! But it's not enough to know. It's not enough. I have to take it all in. I have to accept that. And that's the hard part. It's much easier to say something failed because someone else was better suited for it, deserved it more, whatever. It's harder to say something failed because of your own shortcomings. But while I'm not as pretty as my one friend, I also have a nicer family. While I'm not as smart as my other, I also get more enjoyment out of life. While I'm not as unique as the next, I also have more self-respect. Perspective, perspective, perspective. I need perspective back in my life. I used to have perspective. I used to believe in myself. I used to have such big fantasies for myself. I used to have self-confidence, I used to have self-confidence, I used to have self-confidence. I just need to get that back. That's not easy. But no one, and nothing, else can do it but me, for me. No boy, no grade, no friend, no college, no material object can give me self-confidence. Only I can. A small exercise I learned when I was younger. It's a perspective activity, and it helps a lot. I suggest you (whoever "you" are) try it. You list ten things you don't like about yourself, and then fifteen things you do like about yourself. It can be physically, emotionally, personality-wise, etc. They can be sort of confessions, or they can be strictly statements about yourself. The idea is that ten of the fifteen things you DO like about yourself cancel out the ten things you DON'T, and you're still left with five. It's worth a shot, trust me. Things I Don't Like About Myself 1. I have an obsessive personality. I obsess over ridiculous shit that doesn't deserve my attention. 2. I have a weird pot belly that doesn't go away, even though I am fairly skinny for my height. I say I don't mind it and even think it's kind of cute, but I am lying through my teeth. 3. I'm awkward in social situations, and can't make conversation in new company, though you can't shut me up on a normal basis. 4. I'm a hypocrite in so many small, significant ways. 5. I bite my nails. It's a bad, angry, nervous, painfuly, ugly habit. 6. I talk bad about two of my friends behind their backs pretty badly. They really have no clue. 7. I want to leave for college and never look back and not even say thank you to the friends, people, and family who helped me get to that point. 8. Sometimes I honestly just don't take other people's feelings into consideration when I do/say things. 9. I get angry and frustrated easily, and I have a horrible, ugly temper that I hate to show people, because I know it would make them dislike me. 10. I get so goddamn jealous of people sometimes that I can barely stand to even think about them/their situations, even though I know they have no more a perfect life than I do. Things I Like About Myself 1. I have a big smile that makes other people smile. 2. People feel like they can talk to me and I won't judge them. They can tell me anything and I'll give them my full attention. I'm open-minded, I guess. 3. I throw myself into my passions. Politics, theatre, books, music - I know quite a bit about each, at least the aspects of each I find the most interesting. 4. My nose turns up at the end. I like it. 5. I'm intelligent in the aspect that I can learn something if I want to. I have some common reasoning skills that serve me well in school, as well. I can remember facts well. 6. My sister thinks I'm her hero. 7. I enjoy the small aspects of life, and the small aspects of life make me happy. Starting off the day with a pink sunrise makes the whole rest of my day good. 8. I'm a nice person in many regards. 9. I don't let other people's interests affect my own. They don't always coincide, but that's ok with me. 10. I have the ability to move on, for the most part. I can accept that I don't get everything. 11. I'm not spoiled. I have a job, I pay for my own gas, I realize I'm going to have to get a scholarship to go to college. I think that affects my view on the world in a positive way. 12. I'm an optimistic realist. 13. I have self-respect that arises not from any religious or outside reason, but just from myself. I don't need God or my mom to tell me to respect myself. 14. I'm a vegetarian. 15. If I have an opinion, I have a reason for it. As I dislike it when other people have empty opinions, I make sure I never do. I find it harder to say nice things about myself than to say bad things about myself, but I think that's a common occurence with people. I can't say doing that exercise made me feel any better, but it did make me think. I think I'm going to start being able to better put things in perspective and gain back my self-confidence. I think it's just important to remember that only you can make you feel good, and no one can make you feel bad unless you let them.