• Ah yes it's finally friday wow this week flew by I feel like i mus have missed something, but no it's all here I've just learned how to lose track You know that state where you're just between sleeping and awake? Like when you're in the car, with your ipod on and everyone's voices seem to get slower and slower? And you lose track of your body, you don't have to move your arms and legs every five seconds, just to make sure the blood is still rushing through your body. You just sit still I wish I could do that all the time I hate moving Ihate itching and fidgeting and tapping But i can't help it I can be absolutely silent and unmoving for maybe 4 minutes tops But then I get paranoid almost, like this little voice in my head saying fucking move, do something, this doesn't feel right And when I listen I feel like I failed Because it makes me just as impatient and concious as everyone else I'm supposed to be doing homework, but I'm really not in the mood I get like that sometimes Usually I can force myself, but today it's not even worth it It's only saturday All I have is one essay Shouldn't really be that bad I had a weird dream last night Chris was in it that freaks me out i think i might like him again or maybe i'm just having makeout withdrawl fuck did you know you can get addicted to sex? Like for totally serious? Ah I don't want that to happen to me! What if i just like start needing people? What if I can't be just fine by myself? I rewrote the lyrics to last straw by jack's mannequin yesterday during english "I think the commets are a warning sign" that one was my favorite this random kid i hooked up with once when i was on drugs asked to read them so i let him He said they were really good and then proceeded to tell me about his life and girl friend it was weird, but also kind of nice He's a cool kid i guess creepy, but cool Not many people would have been like oh hey i hooked up with that girl once a year ago and now she's writing on a bench outside...i should go talk to her! haha i take that back absolutely no one on the planet would behave the way sunshine does But hey, i mean i guess that's actually kind of neat even though most people hate you atleast you know you're one of a kind This is going to sound weird, but sometimes i wish i had no friends Not that i'd want to be alone all the time, i wouldn't it's just I think i'd be a very different person without them by my side Last night I went to this girls house and had some "special" jello with tequilla It was crazy lame, like all girls just trying to get wasted and making prank phone calls But anyway, the point is that I'd come straight from gymnastics Like only an hour or so earlier I'd been doing tsuks and giants and focusing on flying And now I was drinking nasty tasting shit just for a bit of a buz Like what the hell? That makes absolutely no sense. It isn't anything like I want to be But i was there I wasn't at the gym forcing myself to face up to fears I was in a friends bedroom with other girls making the same exact mistakes It just seems jaded somehow That's part of why i like my arts school though, I have absolutely no one to answer to I haven't made friends because I've kept to myself And i think, for a while atleast, I'm going to keep it that way It can be like an experiment of sorts hypothesis:If you have no friends, then you don't have to pretend so much I don't know, sounds kind of stupid to me If you don't have any friends, who is left to make you feel less insane?

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