• owwie. ow owsy ow ow oww. I hate tummy cramps. :[ Bonney's birthday 'do last night was INSANE. I really didn't expect to have so much fun. during the day I helped caitlin and Bonney's mum decorate the playroom. we transformed it into a fairy grotto-esque type thing, with chains of butterflies adorning the walls and twinkly lights everywhere you look and crepe paper garlands splaying out from the middle of the room to the ceiling. later, we cracked open a bottle of Amundsen (obscure Czech apple liquor, tasted like apple laces + vodka) as we got ready and met the guys outside the restaurant. I couldn't tell straight away that they were pissed. I was too busy enjoying how affectionate he was being to notice - it was only really when Xavi turned to look at me inside the restaurant and literally TOLD me they'd been doing quadruple shots that I realised he'd steadily been getting less and less responsive. he sobered up, though, and that's what mattered. Bonney had a great time, I could tell from the look on her face when she turned up to 19 of her friends singing 'Happy Birthday' at the top of their lungs (complete with helium balloons, courtesy of sam, bill and X) that she wouldn't've asked for much more. and the profiteroles & champagne. what a way to end the night. Xavi'd sobered up, I'd gotten drunker and it was a good balance. i'd missed being kissed so hungrily. we talked about things to the tunes of 'Even if it kills me', pausing so I could sing heartily along to the line 'Don't ever change the way you are - I've never loved anyone more'. he said 'i love you' again. this time I can be sure he meant it. I was smiling so much it took a minute for me to gather my thoughts up enough to respond. shit, he seemed to have more of an effect on me than usual last night. his lips were softer and his hands were rougher. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. you don't need to ask why I love you, xavi. you said if I'd asked you back you would've been able to explain but you wouldn't have wanted to. it's the opposite with me - I want to but I couldn't possibly word the last six months without writing an entire book. i want to take him to see Funeral For A Friend for his birthday. we'll still be together on friday october 31st (hey, halloween) - if we carry on like this, I have no doubts. x

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