• In a weird way i kind of like the pain the physical hurt i mean, the one twisting down my spine it makes me feel...stronger accomplished somehow like this is living proof i truly have tried my hardest i love what i do even if it can't come naturally i love the deep calluses on my hands even though they might be ugly they make me different, they define me all these little physical flaws they remind me of how much i've enabled my body to accomplish i should be so proud of myself this sport has taught me so much i know i talk about it far too often, but it's so true i wouldn't be half as strong without all the battles i've had to win to get to where i am I had the strangest dream last night about him i don't quite recall the circumstance, but for some reason i was really upset and you know what he told me? that i should be happy for what i have huh i heard crash into me on the radio too another sign i know it's not a get back together thing that part of my life is most definitely over but i think that and the dream, well i think someone up there is just trying to tell me that i can fix things if i try hard enough i've got the determination, the drive all i need is a little motivation I'm going to the beach tomorrow, so I'm basically out of comission for a week no friends, no computer but thats okay, i don't mind i think everybody should take some time to be alone it's amazing all the things you discover about yourself when you're not influenced by those around you i told chris to call or text since i'm not going to see him for a week he gave me a big hug goodbye no cheek kiss i don't know what to think, so i just won't if he calls, he calls if not, whatever i'll live i'm smart enough now to know that no other person is worth compromising yourself over you learn from mistakes that way next time, even if you make the same choice you know just what you're getting into i keep imagining what it would feel like to be invincible i'm not so sure I want it anymore it must get so distant at times when you're so sure you should feel hurt, but just can't i think i'd like the choice so i could turn it back on for a second if i ever started forgetting who i am how hard i worked to get all these scars If i could live my life over again, there's so much i would change but since that seems an impossibility at the moment, i guess i've got to be content reworking the future alright, fine be a better person simple enough hey, as long as you care enough to try you've got to be doing something right

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