• day out day in it's the same, cycle same routine she yells and fights, picking the scabs till finally i'm falling back through the tears i hate crying especially in front of people especially in front of her but i can't help it i have no control over my body anymore i can't make it twist and turn as well as i used to make it risk injusry, push through the pain my brain freezes up i'm so fucking human i hate that so much but whenever she brings up gymnastics in any sense tears are the only response i have i guess it just shows the emotion, the pashion how i've become it, made this sport my everything there's no words left to describe what it means to me that's why i cry because that's my only hope of making her understand it bothers me how fake they are my mom pretends to care only when it's convenient i hate her undeserved compliments so much don't tell me my tap swings look great don't tell me how i hate competing how the hell do you know? you're never there you're not the one smahing into these barriers it's just so hard for me my progress is so slow i have no way of proving just how much i deserve this otherwise it wouldn't bother me nearly as much that no one gives a flying fuck i wish i could be nocturnal sleep when everyone else was awake and stay up alone in the darkness that way i wouldn't have to deal with anyone my mom always compares me to people especially people i really can't stand shallow little bitches who care about nothing who wouldn't know dedication if it bit them in the face my little sister is clearly the favored child she's the one who gets the i love yous the nice little greetings i'm just the extra i'm the fuck up here Why can't different ever be beautiful in this world? I'm not allowed to have my hair dyed blue for school i need to make a good impression on my teachers how ridiculous i don't want to be liked by anyone who'd judge me by my hair color but again, it doesn't matter what i think this is school we're talking about here that means i'm swimming with my head below the surface breathing only water, since i'm not allowed up for air that must be why my lungs feel so funny why sometimes, at the begining of the day i already feel like i'm going to collapse

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