• It's been a while since my last journal, so I figure I ought to write a new entry. I don't know why I haven't really been journaling lkately. i've been on SM every single day. my life is basically wake up look pretty eat sm gymnastics. Wow that sounds even more pathetic than i thought it would listed out like that. I wish I could drive so i could atleast go places. Nowhere special of course. Just maybe like fye to buy some new music or to go out to lunch. I hate staying in the house all morning. It gives me the worst kind of headaches. S came home from Maine for a week. I hung out with her mon and tues. She slept over and we stayed up till five talking. We listened to over 200 songs on my ipod shuffle list. I love analyzing music with fellow obsessers. It feels so good to find peace within someone elses company. usually, i just want the world to disappear. Gymnastics isn't really going as well as I hoped it would be. I go five days a week for atleast 4 hrs at a time. And still i get no credit. You know how in a previous entry I wrote how it would be so much easier if I had someone to care? I still stand by that completely. Doing anything this hard completely alone is probably the most brusing and abusive thing in the world. Sometimes I start fearing how far I'll have to go before anyone begs me to stop. My mom keeps telling me that this hard work i'm putting in is only for the summer tho. That when school starts, I'm going to have to cut way back. She says this so casually, like giving up the only thing i have to belive in is entirely insignificant. i know I'm supposed to nod and agree, but I just can't do it. I just can't listen while she tells me little untruths about what I want and what I really need to be focusing on. It just breaks me to the core that all i need is a freaking ride and she's got to turn around and pretend to care. She told me I should really consider just doing it recreationally. Like not compete. Um hello? Aren't you supposed to encourage your kids? Tell them they can do anything they put their minds to? For once, I really wish I could have a lie like that. When people tell me I can't do something, it just makes me more determined. I WILL be a level 8 gymnast. I will be the best one in the whole fucking state. But the problem with that is I'm such a realist. I know I need all the practice I cna get. I know that drive is only half the battle. But, by the same mark, I also know I'd spend every moment in the gym if I could. And I know that more than anyone I fucking DESERVE just a tiny tiny bit of sucess. So that's got to count for something. Are you watching god? You've got all the ropes. Now please don't let me fall

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