• so why do i feel the need to make myself feel miserable? what am i really punishing myself for? why do i think i deserve to be alone? because that is what i wanted. i want to be alone. there are no guarantees in life. especially basing life on another person, or other people. you have to base life of of yourself, as selfish as it seems. that's all we have, really. anyone can pick up and leave. but no one is leaving me. no one is running away. i am. where am i running to? why am i running? why do i seem to push everyone away? everyone who loves me, i just push in the wrong direction, away from me. everytime i say go, i really mean stay. everytime i say, i don't want you around, means i need you here with me. just for a little bit longer. when i say i'm planning MY future, i really mean ours. i want you to automatically include yourself in my future. but i will never tell you that. is it because i don't believe in us? because i don't think we're strong enough? no, i do. i'm just not strong enough. i'm weak. i feel like i'm being pushed around. and the more things i do for people, they are taking advantage of it. i'm tired of hearing, i'm sorry. but i'm sorry that i push you away. i want you to know that you're my favorite mistake. i know i'm going to hurt you. i know i'm going to let you down. i'm not what you think i am. i'm selfish. i'm loud. i'm unfaithful. i'm everything that you don't need. please don't tell me you think i'm perfect and beautiful, when i know i'm the complete opposite. i want you to be okay. but, i want to be okay. and i don't think or believe that we can do that together. i need to figure out what i need to because i'm hurting you already. i know that you would do anything for me. i hope you would do anything for me. but the truth is, i wouldn't do anything for you. because if i really did love you, like i told you, i would stay here with you. if i really believed that we should be together, i would be here. i wouldn't be able to survive without you. but knowing that i could move away and be fine, makes me wonder. i do love you. i just make it harder than it should be. i think more than what needs to be thought. i make mistakes. i push you away. i pull myself away. everything that goes wrong, i blame on me. i'm the fault. i'm wrong. but, i always put myself first. no matter what. i cannot make you my number one. i could tell you a million lies. and i would be okay. as long as you believed my lies, i'd be okay. 'nothing's going to change my world'- across the universe.

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