You want an entry about how I'm going to EV train my Pokemon, or how much I love certain TV shows? Look away. You want a pathetic entry, rambling on about shit I don't even know about, then read on. I've just suddenly got into a downer mood. Thing is, when I'm in these moods, I'm not a poet like half the people on this site are, I'm not cryptic, I can't turn it into something creative. I just am. And now I need to let it out. I've been getting it a lot lately. I'm happy on the outside, and for the most part on the inside too. There are things that make me happy. But then... I think I'm inadvertantly substituting things for a temporary fix. For example; I'm a binge eater. No, I'm not overweight, I'm rather thin actually. I've been binge eating a lot lately though. I normally blame winter because my appetite does tend to increase around this time, but it's almost like I eat because it's something to do. I can't just sit down and watch something, I need to eat while I'm doing it. "Oh, I'm going on the computer for a bit -- I'll go get a plate of cheese and biscuits for myself." I'm a consumer. I love buying things, I really do. Over two weeks, I've spent over $300 on DVDs and video games. That's not normal for me. It's gotten to the point where I've started to BRIBE myself to do things I don't want to. "If I finish this assignment in 3 hours, I'll go get myself a new DVD boxset." I shouldn't have to do that. I get the feeling I'm just disguising this as an excuse to spend, to own. To get my temporary fill. And once I'm done with what I've bought, I'll go get something else. Once I'm sick of what it's offering, I need to move on. And I know I've addressed what I'm lacking in my life previously, but someone of my age can't seriously be this desperate for something like that. I can't be affected this badly for my lack of love. It's not even love - it's companionship, it's knowing there's someone out there who cares about me. I have my friends, of course, who I care about, but when I think about them really, there's not much I can count on them for. My best friend and I have completely seperate lives - we talk on the phone once or twice a week, we see each other on the off day. She tells me about what she's been up to, and in her case there always is something to tell. I tell her that nothing's changed with me, which is true. Out of my friends at school, there is only one person who I trust enough to tell things to. Neither of these people I feel like I can completely open up to, either. I can tell them things, but I can't detail, and I don't particularly want to. Maybe that's what I'm missing? Not necessarily companionship, just someone I can open up to. I'm very closed off as it is as far as my emotions go. I don't like to let people know things about my life that get me down. To some people, I'm a source of optimism -- what do you do when what can pick you up is down? Where do you go? I do keep this up, and I am generally an optimistic person, I'm just dragged down right now by what I'm lacking, or I feel like I need. Or I've made myself believe I need. For a moment, I considered that maybe it's because of the shows I've been watching that idealize love and relationships; I see these things, and I feel like I want it. Like the DVDs, like the video games, like the plate of food. Is it the same sort of craving? Why is it that when I'm all alone, without a new toy, my mind just crashes? Congratulations if you reached this point. I don't want to go on because I'm saddening myself. I always swore I didn't want this to become one of "those" journals, but clearly I need an outlet.