• The world really does make fools of believers. Last night there were these two guys with signs proclaiming in short, "Jesus IS Lord." -1John? And He gave me a card and so pretentiously assumed i was going to hell. I told him i was going to Bible College. A lie, yes. But i do have enough scriptural knowledge to actually go, and I sort of just wanted to put him in his place. Anyways, he then went on to say, "so you know you have a place in heaven then." Well ya I DO know. but i don't need you saving me that place, or telling me, or even condemning me to either heaven or hell. I really don't know why i get so mad at insignificant Christian "zealots?" maybe i'm jealous? Maybe because i have so little faith in humanity, including the humanity of Christians that i know they are probably just as sick as i am. And you know what, the reality is why don't they DISCUSS Christianity instead of parading around with signs and passing out little pieces of paper. Because any true marketer would know that this is certaintly not a way to "sell your product" and ultimately they need to realize that, Jesus DOESN'T need to be sold. He is. Whether or not you, or I, or the next person believes He's still Perfect, He still died on that cross. Enough with this rant. I swear I think I had work at ten. Shit, idk and nor do I feel like calling. And why don't they just automatically make "I" capitalized? I'm tired of hitting "shift I" just to personalize the letter "I" maybe that means i'm talking to much about myself? It's still early yet, and I just woke up, therefore nothing has happened and hence a very futile un entertaining blog, I apologize for this. I wonder if You reading this have any questions for me? I wonder if it's too much for me to assume somebody is actually reading this. And if You are. I assure you, I am reading yours too. I've definitely been feeling all too alone in my head. Too many thoughts, ideas, theories, and concepts. I'm a beautiful disaster. I know too much, think too much, feel to little. I don't know who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go. But it doesn't matter does it? I'd like to think it doesn't matter because ultimately i'm here to "glorify God" therefore it doesn't matter where I go, or who I am as long as i'm in perfect pursuit of Him. In reality, i'm so little of faith to accept this. To be ok with any of that. Hopefully God will restore this faith in me one day. I hope you reading this have felt the Joy of the Lord? I know how incredibly weird this may sound especially to an unbeliever. I have probably more unbelieving friends then believing ones. People often assume i'm "dumb" to believe. But i do question and wonder if my prayers are in vain. But then the Lord just does this incredible thing, almost a "glimpse of the real" and i know Him, and i see Him, and feel Him. And i know this is God. This is Him is all His Glory. And I worship, i do. And He is beautiful, and i'm the disaster. But He gives me beauty, He gives me light. All that I am that is in me, is Him. This would only be true if i was completely surrendered to Him, we both no this isn't true. Satan has won too many battles, compromised to many situations. But yet, i return to Him, on bended knee, pleading for His love to succumb me, because i haven't felt love in so long. haven't felt comfortable in so long, forgives me everytime, restores me. I think we all in the back of our minds don't want a "father in heaven" but more so a, "grandfather in heaven" some senile, benevolent old man that we can sneak candy from (or whatever paralell temptation we may have) and at the end of the day He says, "well everyone atleast had fun, right?" a God of Love doesn't imply a God of Kindness. Love is almost as hard a concept to grasp as God, Himself. Love is a stream of emotion never constant, always changing but simply including kindness, and anger, and the occasional benevolence, and every emotion in between. This is God. Everlasting. Never ending. Reliable. Furthermore, Love. Whatever that is. His love unlike most love, isn't an illusion. Isn't a mere manifestation of "feeling." Feeling is far from consistant. Well this was. my apologies really, hopefully you enjoyed a little theology, some heart, maybe a "glimpse of the real?" A verse. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. - 1John 4:16-19

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