• i don't want to go tonight. i heard exactly what i didn't want to hear yesterday, from ruth. she was completely right to tell me - ignorance, in my opinion, is NOT bliss and i'd rather be aware of something going on regarding my life that everyone else seems to know about. so he's thinking about breaking up with me. there, i've said it. it is now officially REAL. i have no idea why he wants to -- last saturday made me happier than i had been in a while. but it seemed to go downhill from there. we spoke briefly about twice over the course of the week, during which he apparently spoke to amelia (his "bezzy for life" orsome bullshit) and said something about thinking about it. and he gave her a reason, one that ruth knows, but i don't want to know the details. i want to hear it from HIM, at least. oh god, what if i cry? i know i will. i always do. and then he'll feel awkward and i'll look like a moany little emo idiot. there's no way i'll be able to stay friends with him afterwards -- not the way i currently feel about him, it'd hurt too much. i hate the thoughts that are running through my head right now.it's like defeat mixed with a kind of numb, dull terror. and hope. what if he was just having a bad week? he seemed okay when i spoke to him last night. did he check i was going to izzy's because that's when he wants to do it? what if i have to spend the night in the same house as him, not being able to do what we always would've done before? what if he finds another girl? i'm shit scared. i don't want to go but i know i have to. fuck, i shouldn't've let myself fall so hard. it's going to be tough as shit to pick myself up again.

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