• drugs drugs drugs.. sobriety is kicking my ass. i crave, dream, lust, yearn for any psychotropic substance. yes, i am sick. i didnt even have a ciggarette today. i went to the hookah bar which of course is only bomb to me because i get atleast some sort of nicotine kick. met some guys, like always which is generally why the hookah bar is so appealing. meet guys. listen to them play guitar. smoke with them. leave. easily done, no strings attached. my kind of night. i met a really cute guy tonight, one of those times i where "no strings attached" is a sucky thing.. he wasn't my style anyways. blahblahblah i'm laying in bed. hot and sweaty but not in the sexy way, trying to keep myself from thinking. my problem is i think to much, and thats when the urgent desire for substance becomes unbearable. the heart, mind, body, soul is a tricky thing. each bearing more weight then i'd like. i wish i didn't feel so much, think so much, want so much..i'm sorry my thoughts are so scatted, and if youre reading this i'm sorry i didn't indent, i'll work on that. something of interest, worthy to say? blew off another person tonight, i'm actually starting to feel bad for all the people i "love and leave," "use and abuse" whichever cliche phrase you'd like. i'm aces when it comes to manipulation, always getting what i want, never really knowing what i want. it's so primal, the very reason why social darwinism thrives. i'm hungry, i go and go and go but always forget to eat. its such an subconscious thought process or lack of a thought process for me. i never think, "ok i need to eat to live, grab a bite" and i always find myself in bed realizing i'm actually fucking hungry! wtf. does anyone know anything about moral relativism? im struggling with this concept seeing as it has too many flaws. blahblahblah everything theory, organized system, hell even ethreal life force is fucking flawed. how about a little consistancy, how about me not being so disapointed in things? if you think i'm sick, i know. feel free to save me. Jesus died on a cross for me, but it wasn't really effective.. and i'm probably going to hell for my sarcasm, and someone once told me, "youre probably going to hell for all the people you stepped on to get to heaven" which is eery but contains a solid amount of truth. And so it is.. “And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. " -Ezekiel 16:6-7

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