• So i've had awfully boring day. Apparently so, seeing how this is my third blog entry. I hate that boredom and sobriety are symbiotic in my mind. I really wish I had some conviction against the drugs i use, and so often abuse.. but i don't, and i fail to see whats wrong with my current use. other then the fact that i am blaspheming the hell out of my relationship with God. Which i recognize and am, furthermore, attempting to sober up. and i must say i've done quite well. despite the fact that i've been severely bored, probably why my mind keep coming back to the idea of "death." I haven't been working very much either so i'm sure that's no help. But i did, yes i did clean my room and bathroom today! i have far too many inhibtions, all usually succumbed to a high. i read today, but i acutally didn't i'd like to say i did, seeing how i checked out 5 of the fattest books i could find from the library yesterday. maybe its the way there all stacked up, really intimidating like. I want to find a book like Clockwork Orange. I could relate to the oppression and lack of freedom of choice. Thats what i don't understand, nor do i think i ever will understand, if i am Free in Christ (Gal 4:7?) i'm sure there's more, better scriptural references but this one is off the top of my head, and if we such freedom comes from Christ, then why do i feel oppressed by His law, and thus so far from freedom? striving to be not free, but perfect in Christ. Which I AM NOT. Anyways i'm pretty sure this sobriety will bare fruit, however thats a lie, i'm actually not so sure seeing how my heart really is in it. I'm HOPING though that if my heart is IN the Word then ultimately my heart will be in the process of this whole freeing myself from sin. Crap i had ment to indent this and spread it out with spaces as to make it more attractive to read, too bad i got caught up in my incredible vocabulary and word structure to actually think of making the space. Here's a fact though, i'm so hot and sweaty, thank you california sun.. and i should be showering before i go to these concerts tonight, but i feel like it will probably be crappy music thus they do not deserve me smelling of ralph lauren nor freashly shaven legs. yes, vulgar i know, but i'm a natural blonde so i say its not such a bad deal. another verse? “I will praise you with an upright heart as I learn your righteous laws.”- Psalm 119:7 yeah i'm looking to be healed.. crap ;)

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