• so i read most of my other entires and i am severely crazy. i am always dizzy and super shaky. today, i couldn't even get my ipod on the right playlist because my hands kept shaking. i cannot be completely healthy. i don't feel like myself anymore. i feel claustophobic. i don't know why, but no matter how much space is around me, i still feel like i'm closed in. like everything is closing in around me, and i can't do anything about it. if i'm in a tent or if i'm outside with about a million miles around me, i still feel like i have nowhere to go, like i'm stuck in one place. and that is a horrible feeling. i'm scared of being in love. i'm scared of hurting my boyfriend. i told him, that no matter what, he is going to get hurt. i came up with four different scenios that are true. he keeps asking if i want to meet someone out there, but honestly i don't want to. i'm going out there for myself to be by myself, i'm not going out there to find someone. i'm going there for myself. and i wish more people would understand that. and i keep wondering more and more now why guys cheat. what makes a guy cheat? well, girls cheat also. so what makes anyone cheat? what makes someone think that there is someone better than what they have? and why don't they just have the courage to break things off with the person they are with to go with the other person? i hope they don't think they are making things easier for that other person. it just hurts even more. sneaking around, late night phone calls, one hour visits, it's all just too much. and not being able to go out in public. cheating is just something i cannot understand. there are so many excuses someone can come up with, but in the end, they are just excuses. and excuses aren't logical, clear explanations, so they don't mean shit. if someone is missing something from their life, why don't they just tell their partner and they can work on it together? it's always going to be harder than people think, but if people are really in love, won't they want to try? i have a hard time understanding this. this summer is not what i imagined it at all. i thought i'd be with lindsay, jane, and renee completely our list of completely outrageous and boring things, but i have only seen them about a total of 10 times, maybe. jane is at upward bound and at a WI camp, lindsay is just a homebody, and renee can't go anywhere anyway. so i am with my boyfriend and his friends all the time. and his family. which is not bad at all. i love being with his friends and family. they are way more relaxed and they don't judge. it's like being around my family. i hate when i'm around lindsay and the way she looks at me, it's like, am i doing something wrong with my body language or something? what did i do wrong this time? i hate that look. just fucking tell me, i won't kill you. i might be angry, but just tell me. i just want to know what i do wrong. i want to know what i can fix. i always think i'm changing, but i always have the same problems with myself. and it's pretty lame. i want to think i'm going outside of my comfort zone and discovering more of myself. but i'm not comfortable with myself or with other people. i compare myself to other people. i assume that is because i am a girl, and most girls do that. they want to always be one step ahead of everyone else. to stand out. but i honeslty just want to blend in and get everything done with so i can just start my life and be happy with myself. life is moving at lightning speed and i don't think i am able to catch up. i think i'm going to be stuck inside myself until i know what is missing in my life.

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