• I thought about death again today, and decided maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing. Almost as if i had come to terms with the thought of dying. Perhaps this is just another one of those momentary feelings or thoughts. Perhaps it's not. It seems as time goes on and things change so do out priorities. I know that's a very obvious thought, but I was thinking of that in depth today. Things on our to-do list or our 'important things/people' list get moved up and down. Most things will eventually either be kicked off the list entirely, forgotten about, or eventually accomplished. Growing up the most important thing to most of us was getting that new toy, or going to play with your best friend. Then we get a little older and most of our thoughts are on the opposite sex. Of course, once we realize the opposite sex (or same sex for some) has so much to offer us, we keep them on the list. Once we get out of this stage we focus on making a life, getting a job, extending your schooling. Then it's time to settle down, find a good spouse, have a few kids, buy a house, and get a dog for the kids. Then we raise the kids, watch them go through the phases we did, move them out, retire, and wait for death. We are in such routines, and we don't even try to break free. In fact, we like it this way. I don't know where I'm going with this really, I didn't even mean to start talking about life's routines. I think if I die tomorrow and I have helped at least one person, or am remember in favor by one person I will be okay. This world has so much to offer, but I think we've just stopped looking. We take solace in our routines and never move on. Dying young is a tragedy in ways, and a blessing in others. Maybe I'm just being to favorable to death right now. I can only hope that death will be a lot more simple then what life has been. I was thinking about God today. I think about it/him a lot. Even though I am agnostic, I feel there must be something out there. Perhaps it's not that I think that there has to be, but that I want there to be. Sometimes I wish I just had a big book of answers, and I could use it from time to time. Then again, that would take the 'fun' out of life. The sun is about to set over the trees, we're in the mountains. I wish things were simple like nature. You don't have to question nature, it's there, it's always been there, it will always be there...Perhaps that's how I should go about everything. No questions asked..it's there because it's there, it happens because it happens, there is no real reason, it doesn't need a reason. It's there... If only. I'm not sure what's on my mind anymore. I think about a lot of things. I have a lot of ideal thoughts, even though I know I shouldn't. It tends to ruin things. With Sam Beam singing in my ear one of the most pretty lines I've heard, I sit here contemplating anything and everything there is to contemplate. "Please, remember me Happily by the rosebush laughing with Bruises on my chin. The time when we counted every black car passing" It reminds me of when I was little. My friend Josh and I were running around my yard, and I ran into our huge rosebush. I'll never forget that. We also used to hide behind his bushes when we saw a black van, we thought all black vans were kidnappers. I was thinking about writing again. I'm not sure if I can anymore. I haven't tried in a long time. I don't want to write anymore murder stories. I want to write like Bukowski, I want to make an alter ego...I want to write it in journal form. I think it would be silly though. I wish I could still write poetry. I don't think I can anymore though. I thought about painting the other day, but decided not to. I wish I hadn't given up on myself so easily. I wish I had tried a little harder and given myself a little more credit. I wish I had listened when I was receiving compliments. When I write it's like something gets lost in the transition from my mind to mouth. Something is just lost in translation. God, if you're out there. Take care of that kid. He may have made a lot of mistakes in his life, but he's trying to make up for it. I wish I could make some sort of deal with You, but I'm not sure how. If I figure it out, I'll make one. I know I don't have full faith in you, even as I type this now, and I am completely undeserving of anything I ask you. But please, I beg, take care of him.

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