• This is what i wrote in my physical journal last night: "i'm dreading the morning. because when i wake up i'll have momentarily forgotten and then when i think about the day it'll all come back and i'll feel 10 times worse. it's horrible it's disgusting i'm disgusting I'M NOTHING i'm sick. i need punishment, i need pain. i'd cut but i haven't got the guts. i'd bite but i haven't got the energy. i don't deserve this, either end me or end us." (and by 'dont deserve this', i DONT mean 'i dont deserve to feel like this', i mean 'i dont deserve to be alive or to have you'. to clarify.) cheering stuff. i was thinking about it in the shower earlier. i dont want to die and i really dont want to lose him, but those are the only two justifiable punishments for what i did. and he said he wasn't going to end it which leaves one option. but i now how it feels when someone you care about very much says they want to kill themselves. that's why i went mad last winter. and i can't do that to him. so i suppose i stay alive. i think that's the point.. i stay alive, and i stay with him, so that i have to live with this guilt and turmoil, and that is my punishment. "i can't believe you thought it was over." that's what he said. but how can he? he thought it was over because of something that could never have justified me ending it. this? any other man would have ended it there and then for what i did. i suppose i'm hungry. but i hardly deserve to eat, so i won't. hunger is slightly comforting. but i don't deserve that either.

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