• oh god, what have i done? what the hell am i getting myself into? it's completely insane my mind is like a battlefield, bullets whizzing by in every direction what the fuck is wrong with me? i have no idea what i want anymore one second i'm so convinced, a new bf, a new start, a new mistake to make it's so so freaking easy i could have it all without even wishing this round is mine but at the same time, it scares me shitless i mean, its such a power, a vibe i could really hurt someone here good or evil, create or destroy? idontknowidontknowidontknow i hate this wanting this wanting to be violated, to be touched and kisssed hurt and maimed and scarred and bruised its fucking insane i love the way his tongue tastes in my mouth we've got that same instant chemistry i know for certain i could make it happen but i also could back off i also could turn around, not give in let myself get rejected maybe then it wouldn't hurt as bad i'm going into this thinking all good things come to an end all those pieces that have to come together to make things work? they never break off exactly the same way there's always that overflow and missing fragments a little piece of my life intertwined with someone elses thats what freaks me out the most i don't want memories that fade like photographs i don't want hopes and dreams and fairy queens all i want is perfection nothing more, nothing less anything else is just settling i'm so tired of underachieving i work my ass off at gymnastics i want to be good so bad its slowly killing me i'm always in so much pain my legs, my hips, every freaking bone in my body find your breaking point, and then push past it thats what i do with everything i need some answers i need a friend, a true one, who won't turn against me i need supporters cheering in the stands i need a guy to make me feel special, wanted, beautiful I NEED that's really all there is to it i'll see him tomorrow he asked me to call tonight but i didn't i got busy i guess another melted excuse tastes just like the coloring off an M&M but its more than that of course its always more than that its just that chris is a great guy like nice down to earth, solid kinda kid and i know for 100% certain that we will hti it off i can think of all the things we still have to talk about all the bases that need to be covered andi an see him not only listening, but emphathising understanding and thats really what i can't deal with right now i don't want anyone but me to see inside this twisted mind i can't let him know i'm really damaged goods you never get just what you see folks not with me not with me its all an act, a makeup i smear across the empty planes of my face and so far, its thickness has proved faultless thats why my smile seems so crooked in the moonlight It's not really mine at all

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