• i feel like i've been viciously awake for days. didn't sleep last night. insomnia is kicking in again. goodbye sleep-filled nights and calmed emotions. hello weed and benadryl. i finished the bukowski book. i want to say it was amazing, but i'm not sure what i think of it, yet. could be the best - or worst - poetry book i've ever read. people as flowers such singing's going on in the streets- the people look like flowers at last the police have turned in their badges the army has shredded its uniforms and weapons. there isn't any need for jails or newspapers or madhouses or locks on the doors. a woman rushes through my door. TAKE ME! LOVE ME! she screams. she's as beautiful as a cigar after a steak dinner. I take her. but after she leaves I feel odd I lock the door go to the desk and take the pistol from the drawer. it has its own sense of love. LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! the crowd sings in the streets. I fire through the window glass cutting my face and arms. I get a 12-year-old boy an old man with a beard and a lovely young girl something like a lilac. the crowd stops singing to look at me. I stand in the broken window the blood on my face. "this," I yell at them, "is in the defense of the poverty of self and in defense of the freedom not to love!" "leave him alone," somebody says, "he is insane, he has lived the bad life for too long." I walk into the kitchen sit down and pour a glass of whiskey. I decide that the only definition of Truth (which changes) is that it is that thing or act or belief which the crowd rejects. there is a pounding at my door. it is the same woman again. she is as beautiful as finding a fat green frog in the garden. I have 2 bullets left and use them both. nothing in the air but clouds. nothing in the air but rain. each man's life too short to find meaning and all the books almost a waste. I sit and listen to them singing I sit and listen to them. Steven got his own apartment. it's glorious, wonderful, marvelous. and also quite roomy. i hope he decides he wants to stay. so, call me technology stupid, but i just discovered the Shuffle button on itunes. oh my. it has done wonders for me. i've rediscovered music that i haven't listened to in years. (or one or two, ha!) therefore explaining why i am re-in-love with Rites of Spring, Reversal of Man, 1905 and Index For Potential Suicide. those bands did fucking wonders for me when i was 11 and 12. am ever so happy. vacation is coming up soon. the good thing about my parents being seperated is two vacations, ha! (see also: two christmases, two birthdays, two easters, etc..) with my mom, we're either going to Mexico, Florida, or just somewhere local and getting like, 400 bucks each to shop with. either is fine with me. with my dad, we're going to Chicago, no doubt, hands down. I'm so excited, i love Chicago. it feels like my home everytime i step foot inside the city limits. god, i'm so excited. by the way, i realize how selfish it sounded what with me being happy my parents were seperated because i get two of each holiday, but oh well. i wouldn't want them back together for the world, anyways. (although i could do without their significant others for the time being. ah well, so it goes.) the birthday's comin up soon, oh baby baby. july 20, here i come. although i guess i shouldn't get too excited, last year i was entirely pumped and got let down so bad. everybody seemed to not care near as much as i did about my birthday, and i had to go babysit for my aunt (who didnt even tell me happy birthday) and accused me of looking up porn on her computer. fucking bitch. well, i guess i should get ready and try to get out of this shitastic mood before company arrives. so long!

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