• i'm extremely dizzy and feel horrible. i'm hot one minute, the next cold. i wish i knew how i felt. i wish i could just open myself up and know exactly one hundred percent. i wish i was one hundred percent happy. and just stay that way. but what kind of life would that be anyway? having mixed emotions is so confusing and so complicated. so boy who leads me on, allright, his name is ray. and he told me that it would be better if i went for his friend, britt. so i did. and britt has liked me forever. i basically has made his dream come true. i'm his dream. how weird. and when ray saw us 'together', it was a shock. i knew he was thinking something, anything. he must have felt SOMETHING. because when he left, i defintely felt something. it was hard. then, he talked to me yesterday, which means that he must be thinking of me somewhat and he cares somewhat. he has mixed emotions, too. 'i wanna kiss ya'. dumbass. what are you thinking? you wanna know my reaction? NO. kissing you causes way too much trouble than it ever was worth. his kisses were nice, though. but they never amounted to anything. it was an empty kiss with him. no feeling. an empty kiss. i guess i just never thought of it that way. what held him back from me? i know it shouldn't make any difference now, but for me, it does. i want closure. i want to know what i did wrong, or what i did right. or what he did wrong. and he didn't do anything right, let's face it. he sucks. then, why did i care about him so much? he knows that i liked him for such a long time, but he just...and he said, he sucks. which is true. but i do wish he knew his potential. his life cannot be amounted to being an alcoholic. especially when i know he is more than that. i love unstable boys. i don't know why. i like ugly, unstable boys. i like the boys who are absolutely horrible for me. ray is horrible. he still breaks my heart. he knows the buttons to push to make me angry. to make me swoon, i suppose. i don't know what he does to me, but whatever it is, IT cannot be good. i need to have some sense knocked into my head. alcoholic and drug addict. lays around on his ass wandering around looking for his next bar hook-up. ew. gross. well. i must be a horrible judgement of character then. because i know that i do like britt and that he makes me happy. and i'm his dream. i don't have to change. i don't have to prove anything to him. he likes me for what and who i am. :] hard to believe. but it really is TRUE. ahh, i ate way too much these past two days. i need to work out and do something. i feel disgusting. i am going to work out this summer. BIKE RIDES. YMCA. PEIF. STAIR STEPPER. RUNNING. shit, anything. i am good enough for some people. and i need to remember that. i cannot please everyone. just, i need to stress out about stuff that i can control. i can control.... i cannot control.... don't stress about the cannot control, because otherwise, i will go crazy. remember that.

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