• want to be with my boyfriend, but the thing is I don't at the same time. I'm afraid that maybe who doesn't love me, but the intimacy. Any convorsations I've ever had with him seem very vague, except for one he was dating others. That's when we talked the most. But, now, it seems that we somehow got some sort of permission to kiss and fool around. And, when granted permission, we seem to forget that there are other things we can do, yet don't. I want to be with him, but to talk to him, but I know it wouldn't end up that way. I'm afraid he doesn't love me, but I know he does, and that scares me. I don't know if he's in love with me, and if he is, I don't know how he could prove it. Honestly, I don't know if I will ever be able to believe it. For my fear of his love blocks out anything rational. I'd like to be with my friends, but I don't. I don't feel the need to be silly and stupid. To feel dumb afterwards, because I know that what I did was ridiculous, but it was fun. It made me laugh, I don't want my friends here to cause that kind of emotion. And, seeing that, I feel quite depressed, if I were to bring it up to them while they were here, I know what they would say. And I wouldn't want them to tell me that it would be okay, because they don't know that. I wish they could just say, you know, that really sucks, but you can mope around and be bitchy, or have fun with me. But they won't. Maybe they're scared that I'll get mad, or maybe they think it will make them less of a friend to say that. Some people say that they would like to die, but death scares me. Knowing that there is much more in the world that I'll miss out on. And that after I die people will forget me. I do have I feeling though, that I want to stop existing. To just vanish. And, if I were to vanish right this very instant, well, that would scare me as well. Because, I would be forgotten, and it'd be the same as death, but there wouldn't be a body to bury. I suppose, what I really do want, is to have never existed. So, that, I wouldn't have these fears, and I wouldn't have these emotions. What I really want, is to have never been. So, my wants are irrational, because I don't want them. And my fears are ridiculous, because I think about them too much. Which, really, makes them not a fear, but makes me paranoid. But all of this, I think, makes me, merely human

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