• I'll start that song thing sooner than I thought. It's not like I have anything else to do. I think I'll post the lyrics too, to help ppl understand better. Twenty-six years and seems like I've just begun To understand my, my intimate is no one When the director sold the show, who bought its last rites? They cut the cast, the music, and the lights This is my line, this is eternal How did I ever end up here? Discarnate, preternatural My prayers to disappear Absent of grace, marked as infernal Ungranted in dead time left me disowned To this nature, so unnatural I remain alone Twenty-six years end, still speaking in these tongues Such revelations while understood by no one When the new actor stole the show, who questioned his grace? Please clear the house of ill-aquired taste Chorus Give me something, give me something Give me something, give me something Give me something, give me something real I lay strewn across the floor, can't solve this puzzle Everyday another small piece can't be found I lay strewn across the floor, pieced up in sorrow The pieces are lost, these pieces don't fit Pieced together incomplete and empty Chorus (x2) I've been listening to this song alot lately. AFI is my favorite band and Sing The Sorrow is my favorite CD by them, but I never really felt that I related to it. I just liked how it sounded and thought their music/ lyrics were beautifully written. But more and more, I find that it does relate to my life - this song especially. Since starting college, I've been so, so lonely. I have virtually no friends, I only hang out w/ my roommate and only every once in a while. I barely talk to the few friends that I have from high school. But this feeling of loneliness and despair has been hanging over my head since the later years of grade school, when I started feeling like a tag-along w/ my old group of friends. Even when I started middle school and found friends more like me, I always feared they didn't really like me and that I was a just another tag-along. I've really changed since grade school. I've become more cynical and desensitized. Apathy is one word to describe my attitude towards most of anything. I don't know if it's just because I'm growing up and it was bound to happen. Even school: I care about grades and doing well. But I barely put any effort into it and still manage to do pretty well. I always say that I could probably get nearly perfect scores if I actually put effort into studying, rather than skimming over my notes. There are a couple of classes where I barely passed. But I never consciously feel stressed, even if I get a low score on a test. I figure: "there's always the next test". Oh, right...the song. Well... I feel like I'll never find anyone - a friend or lover who really cares about me; with whom I can be intimate. Even with my closer friends or my family, I have trouble truly opening up or discussing certain things. I feel like I barely exist, like I'm merely a shadow passing from one class to another and nobody really acknowledges me - unless I somehow manage to make a fool of myself and attract their attention. I wish I could disappear, because, honestly, who would notice? Sure people would notice and miss me...but for how long? How long before I fade into obscurity? I'm not talking about my parents. Or even my brothers. Unfortunately, I don't count them in when I feel like this...I want a FRIEND. Families are supposed to "be there for you no matter what". Although, I know some families do not fall into this stereotype. Falling back on my family feels so unfulfilling. They can't help me get through college (well, financially they can and ARE). My family probably wouldn't understand. They'd probably just make fun of me (like they do about everything) and make me feel lower than low. Dad's unsympathetic. We've had a couple of conversations about trying to make friends. Tears stung my eyes as I tried to find the words to explain how hard it is to put myself out there to meet people. He says that I'm not trying hard enough. I'm really judgmental about ppl...but everyone else is the same way. But... I feel like I'm sabotaging myself. I make myself hate a potential friend because I've already convinced myself that they won't like me. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much into it. Maybe I really don't want to try. Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses. Like the puzzle I can't solve - I try to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. The more I try, the worse I feel. I'm only lonely when I sit and dwell on it. I generally like being alone. But I have these moments, like most everyone else, where I hate it so much. These bouts of loneliness invade my thoughts more and more frequently. They trickle in and like a virus, latch onto any small shred of contentment I might've been previously feeling. I sit in my dorm room, on my computer, for hours at a time. Playing Spider Solitaire or browsing the internet. Exciting, yes? NO. The weekends are the worst, when ppl are passing by, talking and laughing with friends. I know they are probably on their way to doing something fun. That's why I try to go home as much as possible - to escape it all. I sit, alone, in my room and watch TV, but no one has to know that. For all they know I could've gone out w/ old friends from high school. By "they" I mean my roommate and my 2 obnoxious "sweetmates", since I don't have anyone else. I make my mother drive 2 hours (to and from) just so I can hide in my room. Then she drives me back on Sunday. 8 fricking hours total that she drives. For me. For a weekend. And she sticks up for me. She defends me when my brothers or my dad brings it up. My dad made it perfectly clear that if it were up to him, he would leave me at school, except for the holidays. I agree with him, but still can't help but continue using/abusing my mom. I feel so guilty - but not enough to stop and tell her to leave me for a few weeks longer. I've come home just about every 2 weeks, except maybe at the end of quarters. Then it was about 3 or 4 weeks. I wouldn't mind staying if I had friends. See? It's neverending. Music helps me feel better, but it can only help so much. "As you get older you will gain a bit more control over everything. Don't let anyone, even your parents, break you. Find good people who care about you and surround yourself with just them. If you can't find them at first, find good music and fall into it, let it hold you until they come." -Davey Havok Gee, thanks. But how long do I have to rely on music before these people come? And of course, I know that I can't wait for them to come to me...I need to go to them. Which is my biggest problem. *sigh*

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