• i'm trying out this new thing where i just don'tcare at all not about anyone, not about anything i just let myself go i follow the paths they draw out for me long lines filled with nothing heres and not right nows but i'll keep on trudging telling myself every wasted day every second that i hate is one step cloeser to having my own happy when you get close to people they hurt you if you want things, if you hope, you almost always end up diappointed i'm so tired so freaking tired of being the girl crying over the ashes of everything she ever wanted i don't love him i don't i don't i don't this isn't about him it's about me, who i'm becoming changing, darkening into filling in the outlines J wants me so i'll succumb easily i can't stop this it would take everything i have and then there'll be nothing left to keep faking it with so today i'll go and be who he wants and maybe later matt will text me but probably not definitely not and he will not know what i have done because i think secretly it might kill him just a bit to see what kind of monster he has created because i needed a better defense i swear it won't hurt i swear i won't let it to him it will be carnal, all raging hormones and ego and I, I will just slip away feel his body heat searing my skin and pretend the scars that it leaves are simply invisible marking another girl 5000 miles away so please don't blame me for what i'm about to do in remaining fragile and pliant i am only protecting myself

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