• I feel so very lost and confused right now. I have been doing absolutely nothing but thinking for the past 30 minutes. I've drawn no conclusions. That was really productive. So I decided I would write it all down in my journal. Because I know you all just clinging to my every word. I only watched Donnie Darko twice today. That's because I wasn't home, and I watched the director's cut, which is longer. I've been completely dissecting that movie. There was something I had confused in it, I was talking to r.a.s about. she said: 'hmm, im sure youll figure it out you live and breathe DD' Haha. She's right though. I have become really obsessed with this movie. I even think about it when I'm not watching it. I can recite most of it by now. My msn name has a line from it, and so does my post message. I even dream about it. Last night I dreamt I was getting on a train to leave for summer vacation. Someone I know that has become decently significant to me was standing outside of it. They had walked me to the station. Frank's voice came on saying 'Don't leave.' So, I got off the train. I saw my friend still standing there, and when I walked up behind them they turned around, but it was Frank. And then all the doors in the station were covered with glass, but I couldn't bust it open. Frank was gone but his voice said, 'Find a way, it's more obvious then you think.' My friend was on the other side, and right when I had found the way, I woke up. I think what I have done is replaced all my real problems and worries with that movie. Oh well.. I had a discussion with a friend, about how I'm so closed off and refuse to ask other's for help, etc. It kind of hurt..but I kind of needed it I guess. It's hard to face something like that. I really just wanted to shut him out. I don't know, I don't want to talk/think about that anymore. I feel very useless lately. I never get anyhting accomplished. I do..but I don't know..it's hard to explain. It's like I'll accomplish something and by time I get it done, I'm bored with whatever I was doing. I'm looking forward to this summer, but I'm really apprehensive about leaving. I can't explain why I'm apprehensive. Well, I could, but I'm not going to. I should really go to bed. I'm just not tired. Tomorrow is mother's day. I have lines I should be memorizing, but I don't think I even bothered to bring the book home. I'm bleeding, but the wound itches. It's very annoying. Ha, I love when people say their about to leave, but then they don't. Shakespeare died on his birthday. April 23rd. I think he died in 1616? and was born in 1564? I'm not completely sure, but I'm not going to look it up. Why does skin swell? It's painful and I dislike it. I'm sure I could answer that question if I just took a little time to think. I hope that when the world comes to an end, I can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to. I've been thinking a lot about the afterlife. I don't believe anything the bible says. It's bullshit, and a lot is plagiarism. However, I don't deny the existent of God, yet I don't think there can be proof. So where does that leave the afterlife? I sometimes envy people who are religious, and have faith. They always have someone to be around, even if they might not exist.. It's like a free ticket to being crazy. You can talk to imaginary people, think about them, write about them, debate about them, lecture about them, preach about them, you can dedicate your whole life to them! Hell, some people even see them or hear them. Yet, they aren't stuck with names like schizophrenic. No, they're considered special! Religion is very odd. Anyways..I envy them because they are never alone, and they always have something constant in their lives. It's like...they have this odd sort of faith with this almost/if not imaginary being. How? There is no proof..a book of words written by man.. It's very odd to me. Every living creature on Earth dies alone. I really love that quote. It is so very true, but it's something you don't want to admit. So..I guess I'm going to start quoting it now. Oh well, at least it's a good movie to quote. This is getting kind of long. The search for God is absurd? It is if everyone dies alone. I was going to put the other part to that, but decided against it. It's kind of lengthy. I feel rather alone now. Sure, I have lost of friends. People who are willing to listen and help. But I don't have anyone in my life I want to go to for that help or ear, or even just to talk to. I feel like Callie. I'm not going to die, but crawling under the porch to be alone sounds pretty inviting right now. Haha, I bet someone reads this who dislikes me and says 'yeah, go do that, and die while you're at' hahhaha I can't wait until I can read over these entries and be so thankful I don't feel this way anymore. I can't wait to be well again. Dar used to always tell me how happy I was. I was one of the happiest people he knew. Now, he never says things like that. hey say right when they flood the house and they tear it to shreds that... "destruction is a form of creation," so the fact that they burn the money is ironic. They just want to see what happens when they tear the world apart. They want to change things. Someday, this will all be better. I promise. I wasn't quoting Donnie..even though that is very similar to a quote. Well, the first paragraph was one, but the sentence wasn't. I know, somewhere in my heart, it tells me that this will all be better. I will be well. I think this is more that enough as far as writing goes. Quote of the Day: ~"Cellar Door"~ --J. R. R. Tolkien Have a Mother's Day.

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