• But hey, hey I've got things to say. I've lost control of life. I'm crying. I'm crying hard because I don't know what else to do. I'm shaking. I'm breaking down completely. It was only a matter of time. Keep so much in, you eventually combust. This is me combusting. I'm not me anymore. This isn't Courtney. She was back, briefly. She stopped by last weekend. Courtney's a fucking tease though - she was long gone by Monday morning. She's never here to stay. Because that would make things easy. That would make things happy and comfortable and good. Clearly, "good" is never allowed. "Comfortable" is out of the question. And Happiness? An illusion. Raise your hand if you're happy. If you're raising your hand, you're lying. I'm just so angry. And frustrated. And lonely. And dissappointed. And a million other things. I wish I could split open my skull and pick apart my brain. I want to know what is going on up there. Because it sure as hell isn't making any sense from here. I want to write well again. Everything I write is cliche. Dry. Mediocre, at best. I always hate it. It means nothing if I can't like it. I used to be able to pump out story after story, poem after poem. Now, it's so hard for me. I'm so uninspired, so uninspiring. I want to write that one amazing peice. The one that changes lives. The one that makes you laugh and cry. That leaves you speechless. Instead, I'm writing about the same thing every time. I'm writing about the people I hate. I'm writing about the people that disgust me. The ones I see everyday. I'm writing about who I really want to be. Usually, it's all the same person. And usually, it's one of my friends. It's all in my head. The story. I feel it. I feel it right now. I just don't know how to put it in to words. Notice I'm doing all I can not to go into detail about why I'm crying. Maybe that's my big story. Me. My endless string of thoughts and concerns. My thousands of story plots. My twisting, twisted mind. Maybe if I can get that on paper, I can get my story. But maybe not. I'm sitting in silence. I never have silence. My iPod got completely deleted tonight. My downstairs computer clearly doesn't like my music. I'm pretty upset about it. So, now what? I go about my days in silence? I've never been able to. Silence is painfully loud. And lonely. And nights like these, in silence? They're dangerous. It's nights like these - when there's nothing to listen to but my pounding heart, shallow breathing, and racing mind - that sometimes help the razor find the wrist. Nights like these can make you go insane. I find myself saying "I don't care. I don't know." to a lot lately. Don't let me become apathetic too. I read Quit_Lollygagging's journal. She's a brilliant writer. I hope it's a she. Otherwise, I'll feel pretty stupid. Regardless, it was refreshing. Someone who's actually different and interesting. Kudos. I should email them and tell them. Don't know if she'll care. Don't know if I'll have the guts to actually do it. It feels nice to talk about someone other than me and my issues. Maybe I'm living in my head too much. But maybe I'm not. I think I need sleep. I never can sleep anymore. I should try right now. I'm sorry this is so long. If you actually read this, and you ever feel like talking, email me xbeatLOVEdown@aim.com I'm looking for someone new and refreshing to take me away from my life. Even if it's only for a minute. I desperately need a change. I don't think I'll make it out alive at this rate.

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