• so i cannot stand anything about where i am or who i am right about, now. i can't stand the fact that i know that subconsciously i am waiting for boy to lead me on, to talk to me. wasteful time. i cannot stand the fact that my room is a diaster and yet, i'm here, typing out this shit. i cannot stand the fact that i keep listening to the same songs. i cannot stand the fact that i want my laundry done, and it's not getting done the way i want it to. i cannot stand the fact that i did not bring my college lit homework home. i cannot stand the fact that boys lead girls on, constantly. i cannot stand the fact that i lead boys on, constantly. i don't even want to think about how sick i am of myself and everything right now. i would love to sleep on my bed, but i want to wash my sheets, they are gross. period all over. my stomach is cramped up and i have no appetite. i only have an appetite for about a bag a chips a day. how gross. hopefully i will lose some weight though. i am a complete fat ass. my back hurts outrageously. this must be depression and aggravation. i want to get up and do something so i get out a vaccuum cleaner. what the fuck is that going to do? piss me off even more clearly. i hope he knows what he does to me. i hope boy who leads me on knows. i deleted him from my b/l. i guess i really am bi-polar with him. but of course, he acts like he cares for about a week, and the next, we're strangers. it's sick. it's, just not right to treat me like shit. done. i'm going to be gone soon, true, but honestly, to come back and say that doesn't mean anything. you promised. but, like i said, promises lack the thought of time. they lack the thoughts you are going to think in the future. of how gross i am, apparently. i am digusting. i am a fat ass, after all. and sure enough, i come back with some cheesy popcorn. how many calories? probably about a billion. it's about six. and what have i done? nothing that counts as good. and how bad can i be that i still have feelings for an ex, but yet i am still waiting for boy who leads me on to talk to me. & now boy who asked me to sleep with him is online. gross. like i said, skank written all over me. life bombs. my moods really do change faster than the weather. one minute, i'm pissed, the next i'm in love, one minute i'm totally optimisitic about the future, the next, i'm totally insecure. 'exercising self-control' ahhhhhh! i need that. i don't know why i need that so much. stupid boy. you made me wait. you made me hope. i guess i'm through waiting. you made your choice. i just wish i could make mine.

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