• so where were we? ah yes. i'm a failure in everything i do. im supposed to be on here to print off pictures of crysanthemums for my art. but is there really any point? i left my art book at Adam's anyway. and im failing art. and its no ones fault but my own. got an after-school with her tonight. so i cant go to the one Mr Hale tried to give me. im failing my IT as well. theres really no point. im just a waste of space anyway. who cares about what gcses i get? yeah. yesterday. thats what you wanna hear about. some sket off the street made some comment.. you know what about. its too embarrassing to actually say it. incidentally, thats why it took me so long to get help in the dark times.. it was an embarrassing reason to get bullied. it could have been something decent, like for my skin colour or my sexuality or the fact i was in a wheelchair or something. but no, it was something pathetic. and i was embarrassed for the tormentors.. and the fact that it wasnt actually the torments that were getting me down.. it was my friends. but kids dont get unhappy for reasons like that so i went along with everything they said - yes, Laura's unhappy at school because she's being bullied. well, no, actually, she's never been bullied in her life, but kids not having any friends isnt normal, is it? i'd have given anything to be normal back then. ughhhh. so yeah, i made my favourite hand gesture and the sket made me say it to her face, so she hit me. IT WAS A FUCKING HALF-POWER HAYMAKER AND I SAW IT FUCKING COMING AND I DIDNT EVEN FUCKING BLOCK IT AND THEY EXPECT ME TO GO DOWN THERE TONIGHT AND WEAR THAT YELLOW BELT AS IF I FUCKING DESERVE IT. it wasnt that i was hurt or anything - i didnt even feel her fist. if i hadnt seen it meet my jaw i'd have wondered what she did. it was that i knew the exact block and counter technique to defend myself and i didn't. do. a. thing. Adam stepped in and threw the sket against a wall. (tho when you think about it, i know im an idiot, but even i wouldnt start on somone whose six-foot boyfriend is walking right beside them... dickass.) i ran off. beat up a wall. i noticed something - when i get an adrenaline rush, i start breathing in time to Rage Against The Machine's Bulls On Parade. is that the song im thinking of? hang on. yeah, it is. you know, like da da, da - da da.. oh forget it. i do. so yeah, i stopped beating up a wall and walked off. and Adam was yelling at me trying to get me to calm down. and as if missing a block a white belt couldve pulled off isnt shameful enough? i started fucking crying. i kept punching walls and lampposts as we walked past. i could've had that sket on the floor in 5 seconds. but no. im useless and i have to get other people to fight my battles. and i have to go in today and do all this fucking coursework and i cant. fucking. cope. and i left my fucking art book round Adam's. oh, it just keeps getting worse doesnt it. and i havent even begun on Emily, or Liam, or anyone else i have to deal with today. or near future. i just want to curl up and be forgotten about. i just want to curl up and forget.

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