• Until today,i swear i've never cried over him Never been one of THOSE girls sobbing into the pillow like boo-hoo poor me i'm not an exhibitionist either i don't freak out in the lunch room or go sob in guidance usually, i pride myself on keeping all emotions in check usually, i'm the one who's got it all under control It's not that I'm unfeeling, I do get hurt I'm just good at perspective, you know? I can rationalize, rise above the little pains life's what you make it no one should take themselves so seriously i'm always willing to just let things go... but he finally got my breaking point he was so nice for that long and i always had that lingering suspicion that it would happen soon enough just not like this i guess what he said, it really hurt a good 35 minutes of supposed tough love "I feel like all i do is dissappoint you" "well yeah, pretty much" ouch i mean i obviously know i shouldn't gossip that its not nice to glare at other girls but come on give me some credit I am a girl and considering that, i'm one of the least bitchy people i know Honest But guess that's not good enough, huh? I should stand up for myself defend everyone else but wait a minute wouldn't that just make me the victim? JUST LIKE NOW He swears it's for my own good but sometimes... i get this creeping suspicion... he doesd it just because he can i hate being hated he knows me well enough to hav figured that out and maybe when he just goes off on me like that it makes him feel that much stronger to know he has broken me down god, i felt like shit after i wnated to just cry, like body-shaking hard when the people who swear they love you turn agaisnt you like that worst feeling in the world i called my best friend H up tho I love her so much she is my fucking life line it's so nice to know atleast someone cares But as for the bf... i should probably end it it's bordering on abusive, these mind games he plays its just so unfair i'm drowning in it but at the same time... maybe he's also doing the best he can maybe by taking one for the team i'm helping him out Because i do think someday he'll relaize how crap he treated me and learn from his mistakes 'Cuz very few girls would put up with shit the way i do and although i've trained myself not to love him, it doesn't mean i don't care though i may sometimes hate him, i wouldn't want him to end up lonely i wouldn't wish that on anyone really i just really hope he figures it out soon and that i have the stregnth to not get my heart broken in the process...

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