• when i get high, i clean. i've been cleaning a lot lately... i just got done with the basement, then i cleaned my shoes and the keyboard. there was a lot of dead skin in the keyboard. so fucking nasty. i'm moving my endless collection of books from the basement to my room now. i think next i'll clean the hallway. this house is a fucking pigsty. i usually clean half-assedly and get distracted halfway through. but not now. i need things to be done. i watched american history X the other day. wow, what an amazing movie. i think the funniest part is how they try to portray that racism is such a bad thing and that black people really aren't that bad, until the end when that little black niggy shoots the kid with a potentially good future. hm, irony. i've yet to watch Fight Club, it's in my room. along with Clockwork Orange and Pulp Fiction. I just bought Requiem for a Dream and Pi, and holy shit. what good movies. I liked Requiem a lot better tbh, since math really isn't my thing. I also watched something called One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.. etc.. I can;t really remember what it's called, but it's about some guy who like, killed people, but then convinced everybody that he was crazy so he went to a mental institution instead of jail. I thought it was badass, since I always thought that if i fucked up and accidentally snapped or something, i could just act insane and get off (kinda) easy. i've noticed lately that i've gotten fucked up way too many times at my young age. to be honest, i dunno if i can say this on this site, hopefully the fuckin FBI isn't on my ass, but I smoke pot almost daily now. it's a ritual. I've done everything from cocaine to mushrooms. you could name a fair amount of drugs and i've probably tried it. but only once, though. i've never never never ever done anything twice except for pot. i have 2 pipes, a bong, and a bullet. the bullet is the newest, it's badaaaaass. except it's so close to my face, i keep burning my bangs. haha. i've smoked out of an empty egg, a soda can, straight up aluminum foil, a spoon... anything i could get my hands on. THAT'S what i'm embarassed about. but i'm not writing this because i'm worried that my life is going down a spiraling spiral of spiraly hell. i'm writing because i'm worried that i'm not worried. i just went in on possibly the biggest drug deal of my life, put 300 bucks in, and i'm chill as fuck. i'm not sweating it at all. i know i won't ever get caught and i know those niggers won't rat me out. i respect people immensly who don't or haven't ever drank or done drugs. "straight edge", i guess. but not FSU, lollll, little fuckin douchebags. if you dont know what FSU is, google it. i'm so very tired. i think i respect them because they are definitely a bigger man than me. they have a backbone and strong morals, obviously, because i fell into peer pressure to start smoking, fucking loved the feeling, haven't slowed down a bit since. that was about two years ago, although i had tried it before with my father, i didn't really understand what i was feeling, and was a bit freaked out. sorry. wow. rambling. anyways.. it's not that i'm ashamed, i'm definitely not. and it's not that i want help, i don't. i could probably stop any time i wanted to. but i don't. and it's not that i'm just trying to look cool. i already know i'm a harrrrrdass, why would i try? i think it's just a stoned rant. i'll probably read this and delete it later. so. if you read this, be lucky, cause youre probably the only one who will see it. i need to go clean loads more. this house is a fucking pigsty.

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