My short-term memory is on the brink..I can't easily recall much of anything after 30mins. I wake up not knowing I was ever asleep at all, and sometimes I can be driving home and have a complete blank as to how i got back. It's the autopilot syndrome, where you mind picks up temporary stimulus - for the time it takes to reach the objective - then it's thrown away. You know you did it but you have no record of any observable feelings or thoughts that might have been encountered. I thought clearly and concise for the first time in a long time yesterday. Usually it takes me hours and days, even weeks to comprehend my thoughts - I have no problem evaluating other people and all else but when it comes to my own thoughts and feelings, I'm just a big ball of indifference. Every thought is like a stream of bubbles, only they're not soapy, they're made of plastic, and therefore, harder to burst. Some people are equipped with a sharper pin, but mine is blunt, rusty and out of practice. I would have to pop those bubbles if I want to make sense of it but sometimes I am distracted by their beauty, and then ofcourse I would rely on them to burst on their own accord. But those are rare moments and only possible when the heat is on, which then creates a chain of explosions. However, as more thoughts occur the old bubbles are pushed aside and they are separated from each other and sometimes never to be seen again, but you know they're there and you can't quite reach them with that pin. So you search and search but new bubbles just get in the way, and as bubbles get older they get harder and soon they're marbles and you're stepping and tripping all over them. That just makes you frustrated and makes pricking those other bubbles a lot harder. Fuck..that made no sense, I'm sure.. But back to my original point, my mind had been in flames yesterday while visiting my friend at his grave. The bubbles just kept popping, like bright lights. As I sat there, I had the sun in my face and the sky above me was blue and cloudless. I stayed there for 30mins, I didn't want to get up and ruin the flow of thoughts, but I told myself I was on a schedule..even though I was really partly afraid of acquiring any sense of optimism that may interfere with the "flow". Confused? Anyway, I wish I had brought a notepad, because there would be no expecting it again the next time..