• 4/24 ahahahah. i laugh to think that i thought only three days ago i might be getting over him. i went to a carnival today, with sam. as we were leaving, earlier than i would have liked (she was dizzy/queasy), i saw what i thought was him, with stephen and someone else. when i got home, i thought of going back to the carnival. i could have; i bought a bracelet that let me go on rides until four. i kept thinking that maybe he would say something, even just a hey. the carnival had been fun, the highlight being sam's phone falling out of he pocket while she was on a ride, but i ruined the fun i had with my what if's. what if's. i have a lot of what if's. tuesday and wednesday were good. tuesday i did some light shopping, and hung out, joking with my sister. yesterday i went to the beach with my mom, sister, and cousins, and it was fun. it brought back memories, most good, some not so good. only three more days of vacation. all three will include soccer, so hopefully i can push everything out of my mind and concentrate on just soccer, and having fun with my soccer friends. it's sad that vacation is coming to a close. i've had a sort of routine, wake up, read, eat, shower, read some more, then do whatever i have planned for the day. it's been slightly monotonous and i haven't done much, but i feel like i've gone away. no one has really been around to do things with, and i've kept to myself. it's given me time to think, but i've controlled my thinking. i try to not say what if..., and to just think about what i can do for myself. this journal has helped. i can sort things out one by one more than in my mind, and i don't even have to post it if i don't feel up to it. when i think about what i'm going to do about j.c., i stop. whatever happens, happens. if something good happens,thats great. if not, it's to be expected. i'm just going to let it be as is, no matter how much i hate the situation. he could be mean and tell people, poke fun at me because of it, but he doesn't. that's what keeps me holding on. maybe it would be easier if he was mean about it. at least then i would have nothing left to like.

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