• I hate myself. I lost one of my best friends today. over a stupid little argument. I shouldn't of said anything... but I had to open my mouth... how stupid of me. I miss him. I need him. I love him. "Swirling shades of blue Slow dancing in your eyes Sun kisses the earth And I hush my urge to cry, cry I wanna be there for you Someone you can come to Runs deeper than my bones I wanna be there for you I wanna be there for you 'Cause I hear the whispered words In your masterpiece beautiful You speak the unspeakable through I love you too" that song is perfect for me right now. I love the whole song, but my favorite is the first verse. ("sometimes im a selfish fake, but your always a true friend and I don't deserve you cos im not there for you. please forgive me again.") its true... I don't deserve him for a friend. he's too good for me. he's ALWAYS been there for me and I've never been there for him. I want to, but I never have. I cried sooo hard when I heard this song. im having a hard time with my boyfriend too... its like... I love him and everything, but this relationship... well its just gotten so... dull. I can't do this anymore. im starting to think that maybe its just a friendly love I have to him. and even if its more then that, sometimes you need more than just love. I smoked two packs of cigaretts today. (which is a lot for me, considering I only smoke one or two a day) that's how stressed I am. its not even funny... happy four twenty by the way. I totally forgot about it and only remembered because of a foward message I got from my friend. ha. I was watching some special on the history channel called last days. it had the top something possibilities for the worlds end. (number one was global warming) its scary to think about. death in general is scary to think about. im afraid of what will happen to me. im afraid to leave behind all the people I love and care for. im afraid. done, risque.

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