Yeah so there goes another advice left unnoticed. I actually had a whole post about this a while ago but I kept getting off track..as if this would be any different... I can't seem to make anyone sit down and listen to what I have to say, and on the small chance they they do, I'm never taken seriously..The only time my words are taken for substance is when someone else says them..I'm used to it though, it's always been like that for as long as I remember, so I've stopped trying. But I'm 20 now and it's making me feel like an idiot kid, and in turn I've become bitter and cynical, which doesn't help my case. Maybe it's how I come off, I'm socially awkward and I've lost the ability to recognise my own feelings...Who would they rather believe? Definately not someone who seems like they're pulling crap out of their mouth..most of the time I do..Fuck..but only because I know it'll bounce right off them. See what I mean? I've been lying for so long I'm beginning to believe it like everyone else and that's what makes things all the more confusing. The happier I am is when it's the scariest. Anyway..onto other news.. I finally have a job, my first ever steady job. All I do is fill shelves at a grocery store in the middle of the night. It's not to bad..not the ideal job, but at this point I welcome any change and all the distraction I can get. It's actually brought out the OCD in me and I can't get enough..They say that after the 7th shift I'll be able to stay until 3am...call me crazy, but I can't wait. .. .. I've visited his grave 7 times in almost 5 weeks. But only twice in the last 2 because my brother has been home and I've yet to tell them. I haven't talked to anyone about it actually, and I'm afraid that it might turn into a distant lie I will soon forget..I know I can't let that happen, I owe him that much..In those short weeks though, I can't believe that the candle and pebble I left have disappeared..talk about disrespect..I can't say they're any worse than me though. "Someday, I’m telling you They’ll make a memory machine To wax our hearts to a blinding sheen To wash away the grief.."