• For a while I felt content with my life, almost to a point of happiness. It wasn't that long ago really. I had finally, completely accepted He was gone for good. I told myself Shae was all I had, and to be happy with it. It was easy because I had no one to care for me, or say how nice or great I was. I just had Shae and whatever attention he gave me, was just about all the attention I'd be receiving. So I magnified the good bits, trying my hardest to cancel out the bad. It worked, for a good while.. Now Arnol is back, and I swear, he knows just what to say to make me tilt my head in a sense of awe. It's not that he likes me in a romantic way, he's gay. So, get that thought out of your head. He just told me what a great friend I was, how I was the only person he had never back stabbed. We reminisced for hours, it felt so nice. More to the point [if I haven't lost you already] If there is no one to care about me, I am somehow able to cope with any hardships that are thrown at me. Because I know those hardships are all I have. So I have to take some sort of liking to them. There is someone who is pretty much a total stranger, yet I feel so very...mm..connected? with him. It's hard to explain, it's kind of like a lot of things I think/enjoy he does as well. Which isn't really common for me. Last night he said something to me, I had asked him a question that was kind of personal, and then I thanked him for answering it. He said 'why wouldn't I?' and I said something like 'well, I generally don't answer personal questions.' We then talked shortly about trust issues we had. Then he said something like 'I see a bit of me in you..as weird as that sounds..so it's easier for me' [to trust me] For some reason that just struck a feeling inside me. I think it's because I look up to him in a peculiar way, he's smart/witty/funny/good tastes, etc. I don't know this is just getting confusing. I guess what I'm trying to say is that since I see so many good qualities in him, it was nice that he said that. That he saw a bit of himself in me. I doubt that made sense to you... I felt really detached today. Just from everything, from talking mostly. I'm signed into msn, I have two conversations up, well minimized, one I haven't talked to in about an hour, the other a half hour. I went to eat with Shae and we went about town for a bit. This is usually fun, but I felt nothing. I just wanted to curl up and hide somewhere. Shae purchased my birthday gift from ebay today, which you'd think would make me happy. Once again, I felt nothing, not a thing. Then earlier, I was looking for an old email that had a link to some game or something.. Anyways I clicked on an email from Him. I read over it, and he was basically telling me he was going away for the weekend and that he'd miss me dearly, so on. I tried to remember the original feelings I had when I read that. I couldn't though. All that happiness felt like some distant dream. Like when you're brushing your teeth trying to recall a dream, and it just seems like a fuzzy blur. Anyways, as I sat there just kind of thinking I was overwhelmed with this sadness. A tear polluted my eye, and I felt almost angry. It was like reading that triggered my mind to release some of that numb/supressed anger/abhorrence/sadness. It's become very hard to hide my feelings from everyone. It seems as though I've perfected the fake emotions I produce over the past year or so. Why is it so hard now? I feel like I'm just giving up, throwing the towel in. At the same time, I feel like some catastrophic downfall is upon me. I don't know..I'm such a mess. If you haven't figured that out by now, well then, you are obviously dull in the mind. Again I apologize for my pessimistic journal, I'm really not like this, not outwardly.

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