• Hey all. This one's gonna be a ride so just hold on tight. I've got a million words pressing at my finger tips. I haven't been on here in a while. I've got a bunch of things stored up to get off my chest. But don't panic, there simply is no need. Well first things first:I am officially gone. I no longer have a life, a mind of my own. i traded it in for some good grades and some smeblance of love. So who got the better end of the deal? Still not sure. I've basically given up sleep. Got 5 hours last night between studying and gymnastics. Everything is gogogogogo. I build up the momentum and just keep pushing. if I move fast enough, there's no time to feel. And I don't let myself hate it, won't cry out in pain. I pretend instead I'm a million miles away. Oh no, that girl? No, that's not me. It's only a reflection. Or atleast it was the last time I checked.... I schedule out every moment. i have to. Time is a valuable thing. X hours on homework=x grades=X parental satisfaction. Every second i'm working that equation around in my head, looking for something I've missed. But it turns out I'm out of shortcuts. It's the long road from here on out. I've got no time for T.V., no time for writing, no time for sleep. Only time to disappear. Oh alll the time in the world I'm getting better everyday. Sometimes I do it without even thinking. I move through motions as fluidly as a figure skater. I am in my element. I'm getting skinner too, wasting away. I've given up on beautiful. Now I guess different's all I've got left to go for.Not that anyone seems to see me anyway... Somehow I've got less friends than enemies. Most are undeserved, but still. It hurts to be hated. Sometimes when i least expect it, the unfairness of it all will just explode inside of me. It weighs a ton. Most times I end up sobbing on my knees. I want it to go away. But there's no words left to say. My friends are great, but we're all lost in our own ways. no one's ever completely honest. But we still have something that brands us together as whoever they deem us to be. That's gotta count for something. And my boyfriend...welll that's another story. Sometimes we won't talk for days. He's always mad. He fights shy of almost everything. He can only seem to see the bad in people, which hurts. He won't let me in, and somehow I can't remember if he ever did. he tells me he loves me so much but then he treats me like shit. So when we're apart (which is normally) i just detatch, pretend I don't care. But when he's got his arms around me, I can't help but feel safe. It's something we've got there. Chemistry I guess. but it's more than that. I just...fit. I don't know how else to describe it. I think he feels it too, which is why he keeps his distance. I'm not the only one thinking ahead. We both know how much hope hurts in the end. So tomorrow I don't know what I'll do. Homework for hours. Maybe someone will call and whisk me away to a dessert island where the wind is warm and the sand flickers aimlessly around. God that would be nice. I need to get out of this CT cold. It's so hard to breathe when your bones are breaking, your hands are shaking. It hurts to grow up... I hope I pulll through

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