• ahhhhh ok well i'm distressed because i'm tired... but you see i thought it was over i thought i'd dealt with all the shame and pain (ooooh) that went along with whatshisface. but then he's on msn. and i'm offline. and i suddenly want to go online. but i know the only reason is to see if he talks to me. pathetic. pathetic. pathetic. i thought i was over him. plus he moved me down his top friends... the lamest thing ever but it still hurts but i kind of know it had to be this way you say yeah we can still be friends but it will never really work not for a long time thing is i thought this time it would be different but i'm just naiive and innocent and full of false hope... on a more important note, i just finished watching amazing grace. good movie. i have to do a speech on slavery in english so i thought i would watch it. unfortunately we are supposed to focus on the american aspect.... and the movie is set in england so is only partially relevant, but it still gave me a good feel for what the slaves had to go through. thats what the teachers want anyway. empathy. understanding. i guess its more important than facts anyway. the thing i hate, is that stuff like this doesn't get to me enough. i'm a melancholic right, which means i'm a whole heap of stuff,,, and its supposed to include compassion. one thing said brought to tears with compassion. but i'm not. i mean i've never really experienced pain and suffering, or seen it with my own eyes. but you'd think i would have a twinge of compassion from seeing it on tv and hearing about it. but things like this don't seem to get through to me. because they're not real, not to me anyway. i've had to convince myself everything else on tv isnt real, so it's hard to believe that kind of thing... plus words don't do it for me emotionally well,,, they do in some circumstances. but not stories and descriptions, not unless they're written in the right way. or read aloud. i dunno. it just annoys me because i want to be more compassionate, a better person. but how can u make urself become that? it's hard for me to recognise what i can and cannot, should and should not change about myself. what is just me, and what i should change. i had a DnM with my friend over MSN about possibly being pregnant, mostly that one of our friends doesn't take things like that too well... she gets fairly judgemental because she has really strong morals and stuff which is something i respect but i guess she doesn't know how to deal with other people having different beliefs i get her though, because i have the same thing being a christian how do you know what you're supposed to feel towards other peoples actions, when you constantly question whats right for you? i dunno if that makes sense maybe i should just stick to living my life the way i believe, and encouraging my friends to do the right thing, and like explain my reasons why i think its right. but not get all judgemental and forceful anyway the point was, we probably shouldnt have had the conversation over msn cuz we were both getting confused about what the other meant... and im worried she took me the wrong way oh well we're all learning we're still young we can't hold things against each other i just hope they can forgive me... i think in a lot of ways, ur supposed to change friends once you get out of school. i mean you might have one or two that you keep,,, but people learn and change so much during their teenage years... maybe there are different people made for us to be around after or maybe not maybe its easier to be friends with people you've known for so long you learn to respect them you've been through a lot together but then again you'd have very different relationships with people who you met once you'd figured out most of who you are and everything. they wouldn't know what it took to get there i guess that could be good or bad well i've started just rambling so i guess i should be off....

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