yes, i suppose i do care for you, mix the feelings i've had for the last few weeks, and yes, we are friends. i feel sad still at my stance as the only one. i am but faint at the thought of this but you hold me back and i cannot commit to you yes, you will hate me for that, but commit only in the sense of time i've devoted too much time to you and though i enjoy the times, it is far too much your arrogance and all my petty complaints from before are there yet. i want to form other friendships and find new people. you do too; why aren't you? i'm the one with more social anxiety and i try to do it. i'm not sure how you can hate me this in a way, find it a fault and find me flimsy and weak i see it as a strength; it requires so much valience even if i don't accomplish much or disappoint myself those are more personal matters. i'm also terrified by a lack of compassion. o, the compassion is there, but only in times of weakness i don't see it otherwise. i know your value of self, i feel it too but even if you value self, and say to value compassion, i don't think they're completely compatible. and i must say, compassion is more important. why don't you love despite all? it is hard, but i see no effort. i still find it entirely odd that i know of you, not details, but i know you and your general mind and yet you know the opposite of me pure details; you know not my mind i know i keep my feelings and thoughts to myself but you aren't prying and i'm not too closed off for that. are you looking? is that reason to keep being friends, even if our knowledge of each other is uneven? ---- i'm becoming more and more terrified of my loneliness not in friendships as before, i have those no partner i will continue feeling weak to want one, but it's been long, and there never were prospects. people love me, yes i see that even but not in the way i want. i thought myself somewhat desirable, but nothing is pointing to this. i just desire love now, but no one to fill it. not sex, i don't need that now but someone to share and sleep with and to talk to when i'm irrational and someone to comfort and someone to listen to for hours. perhaps i need to stop considering myself weak for this. it's an innate human need i just seem incapable of it. and it doesn't help that whenver i just mention a small desire, it appears to elevate in the view of others. i hate being looked down upon. ---