• Lately everyone has been unloading their drama onto me. Not in a rude way, more like seeking my help. Someone I was close with a long while ago confessed his 'love' for me. What the hell? No. He doesn't love me, he doesn't know what love is. We argued about it last night until about 3am. He's now blocked from everything....again. Before he was blocked because he was just a jackass. Now I just don't want to deal with his attention seeking bullshit. On to other things. Another close friend has been really depressed lately. I've been there for him as much as I can, but I can only give so much help. I'm not a professional. He's finally agreed to see someone. I really hope he does, and doesn't just lie to me. He was hesitant at first because of what friends would thing. But if a friend's opinion changed because you are in therapy then they were never friends at all. There have been others that I give advice to, and act as a vent for. Which I love, you know, I love helping them out. I've just lost myself in all of this. I feel so worn out from it all. I looked up Arnol (the one who moved without a goodbye.) on myspace. I added him to msn, after affirming I was Kat about three times. I'm happy to have him back in my life, but part of me feels really hesitant. I'm not sure why. Before he left he was one of my closest friends. He looks good though, like he's lost a bit of weight. I hope he's happy. I painted today, it was more like a tester. I was just messing with some ideas. I feel like there's a lot of weight on my shoulders. To help all these kids out. I want to help them more than anything, I want to dedicate my life/career to helping people. However, right now I'm wondering, 'am I strong enough to take on other's problems? do I have any room to give them advice when I'm fucked up myself?" I've wanted to be a psychiatrist since 4-5th grade. So what? 4-5 years now this is what I've wanted to do with my life. I'm so scared I'm going to go through all that schooling and find out it's not my calling after all. I want to just go get lost in the woods. Just escape all of this. All of these people, all of these problems. All of my problems. All of these thoughts. There have been a lot of things on my own minds to be honest. A lot of things that make no sense to me. A lot of feelings that I shouldn't be feeling at all. I thought I really wanted something, and now it could possibly be happening, and I'm second guessing everything. I wish I could just be certain on one thing in my life, just one thing. That's all I ask. I want to help people so badly...but is it me who needs help? I act so calm and cool on the outside, but inside I'm this nervous mess. I've given up on so many things in life already, why not just add this? It's just a career, I could do something that's much more easy. Less schooling, less money to pay. Less debt to be in. I'm not even sure anymore. Sometimes I think I take on all these people's problems to divert my attention from my own. I bottle so much shit up. I tell one person one secret, another person another one, but I never tell anyone the complete story. I just don't think they'd want to listen. Or even care. They wouldn't have any advice for me. Like most people, they'd just turn the conversation back to themselves. Forgive me for being so pessimistic lately, I've been really down about the human race as a whole. There's maybe (maybe) 4 people I really enjoy talking to lately. That seems so sad to me. A lot of nights I block all the kids who annoy me on my list, there's usually on three left, our of like 15-17 people. Damn..I need to lighten up. Go listen to Driver Side Impact-The Reason We Sleep The way he yells WE'VE FOUND A CURE! is grand. It's like a raspy yell. I love it. Quote of the Day: ~"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."~ --Mahatma Gandhi

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