• My other journal is one entry ahead of this one..haha. Today was easter. Obviously. Everything was going well, we were at Shae's grandma's. Then he was acting like a child, so i told him he needed to stop. He grabbed me really hard and I threw his arms off of me, in the middle of everyone I yelled 'Don't you fucking touch me!' and ran out the door. I ran for a good four blocks. I could hear him running after me. I knew I could outrun him, but lately I've started running at night again. So my legs were hurting. That slowed me down.. He caught up to me and we bickered all the way to his house. I was set on going home, but he forced me inside. There we bickered, he tried to play it off like nothing had happened. I wasn't taking it. (I wish I would had..) He then dragged me across the floor and kicked me in the stomach. After that he just sat in a chair that was behind me. All the time he sat there, I was crying, he'd yell, 'Shut up!' again and again. I came so close to leaving it all behind. Right when I felt the courage rising up, I realized we were home alone, there was no way I could leave without someone else there, I'd be an easy target more so than I already am. He eventually made up to me, apologizing. Offering to fix me some food, to buy me this watch I've been wanting, to rub my back.. I wish I would have left. But I can't help but wonder, if I had left, would I still be here? Would I be in the hospital? Would my soul have been released? I don't know why I fear dying so much, I really shouldn't. If I died I'd be free. Then again, if I died, I'd leave so many I care for behind. A different close friend has been chasing after this girl for months. She just invited him over. I urged him to go. He was hesitant, but I pushed him to go. I hope he's happy. That's all I want is to make other happy, so they wont have to ever feel like I have. Two nights ago, I caught up with a friend I really care for. I was hoping he'd be on last night, but he wasn't. I came very close to telling him about Shae, but I didn't. He's very open with me, and I feel very guilty about not telling him. I just don't want to put that kind of weight on his shoulders. I have everything set up in case I die. Since there are many on my MSN I've never met, or that I know, but live in my old towns. I have it to where trev will sign on my MSN (I gave him the pass) and email everyone a personal letter, which I will be setting up shortly. I also have a small will written out. It may seem crazy, but I just want to be prepared. I don't want to leave without a final goodbye. Of course, the letters won't give out my true life, I couldn't leave anyone with that. They'll just say how each person was special to me and in what way. Maybe I'm just crazy...oh well.

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