so yeah. its been a while. sry. i've just been a little pre-occupied. but yeah. so many ups and downs its un-bearable. idk. i think i mite actually have bi-polar or sumthing. im not sure. this is going to be long... I was in such a good mood this morning. I went to the mall with linds and it was soooooooo much fucking fun. we acted like a couple and then broke up. needless to say, we got some awkward/hilarious stares. Then i got back to my moms house and (mind you, i havent been here all weekend) she blames me for her lousey weekend. i had a birthday party and i thought i did tell her, but apparently i didnt because she heard about it at a funeral and went home, cancelled her plans, and cried. all fucking night long. i rly thot i told her, and then she gets mad at me for keeping things from her. i dont get it. so, yesterday i had a party. 10 people came including Ben. I still havent told my dad about him and its been more than 2 months. Tay kept yelling at me to tell him, but idk. i dont want to. Its not that he wont like him. i know he will, but its like, all this time, i have been in control of nothing, and idk. maybe its like this: i want to be in control of sumthing. i want to know sumthing about myself that they dont know. i want to start living my own life, and i want to stop living the life they want me to live. so anyways. ben didnt know that i hadnt told him. but everyone else did. so they (mainly rachel and TJ) started screaming stuff about me and ben going out and i know my dad heard and i could tell that ben felt kinda weird about it. i felt soooooo bad. if it wasnt my party, i probably would have left. I was sooooooooo close to tears when they did that, and the worst part is this: they didnt even realize it. i felt so bad and i know ben noticed, because i talked to him about it afterward. He said he was trying to give me space. i guess i cant blame him. i didnt real pay attention to him. him and Tj were the last ones to leave,. Thank god tj left after ben. When ben was leaving, i could tell he wanted to give me a hug but i kinda just shoved him out the door. he said he felt kinda bad but since i live with my dad, i have to be the one to tell him when im ready. i really do love him. hes just about the best boyfriend in the world. sometimes idk what i would do with out him. hes just so understanding. i felt so bad tho cuz he said he felt kinda bad. its not that im ashamed of him. cuz im not. its just that my dad can be kinda scary sometimes and i dont want him to freak out. idk. i just dont know anymore. there are just so many ups and downs that sumtimes i feel like giving up and not going on. but then something amazing happens that makes me glad i didnt give up and i kept going strong. but then something terrible happens and im back down in the hole i thot i covered up and i wish it wud just disappear. its just a vicious circle that i want to end. i want to be either stuck at a high or stuck at a low. i dont want to go back and forth cuz that makes beign a teenager even harder than it alreayd is. and i cant handle it. i cant handle the constant ups and downs, the constant highs and lows. its not fair. and i want it to stop. right now. im soooo sick of everything and everyone. sometimes its like im the only one in the world and i have to deal with this shit on my own, then other times i feel like there are too many people who want to help. i (almost) never want to talk about my problems because i hate being vulnerable and exposed for everyone to see. but i dont want to go back to the way i used to be. all depressed and upset inside and rly happy on the outside. i dont want to go back to that because that is the worst feeling in the world but i never wnat to talk about my problems. no matter what i want, i cant have it. i cant have emotional stability, or assurence. nothing is ever right and it never will be. so yeah. thats been bottled up for a while. i shud be writing again soo