• So all in all, not such a bad weekend. I've had worse certainly. Can't really complain. I went to the Tyson cup in NYC on saturaday to watch the gymnastics meet. That was kind of amazing. These girls are absolutely fearless. Like double handspring layouts on beam. Thats about as close to flying as you can get. I bet other people watch like yeah that's pretty cool. But me, well I couldn't help it-i was absolutely drawn in. With every turn, i felt it, deep in my bones, the muscles stretching, the bounce off the floor. The awareness, the way you just get lost for those few seconds of groundlessness. And i wished so hard i was half that good, half that brave. Even that I could honestly say I was trying that hard. But I'm terrified of failure. So I can't muster up the courage to fight so hard and have it end in vain. I don't know if I could live with myself if all those hours, all that effort went to waste. When your in limbo, not giving it your all but not giving it nothing either, the feeling is neutral. But anything else your either crashing trhough bolders or on top of the world. Does that make any sense? After the meet, we just went to lunch and then back home. I went to sleep. I hate the anticlimatic endings to such a marvelous beginings. It just makes the entire story seem so much paler. And then today i did nothing. Just watched t.v. Downloaded some new music, read an entire book in one sitting. Which made me feel kind of strange. Like those two whole hours felt like 2 minutes. I just think if i could live my life with my nose in a book or a song in my head all the time, i wouldn't resent it all so much. I could deal, you know? its an escape from the monotony oh i almost forgot...he actually talked to me. well texted. but i'll give it to him. Not gonna lie, I'm kind of impressed. For once, i wasn't the first to back down. It's not like we had this whole deep discussion or anything, but i think for the time being atleast we're good. I'll pretend to forget about it because it's dumb to start a war i'd get no satisfaction out of winning. And he will forget about it because it takes less pride than appologizing. I think part of the reason we get along is because of the way we both expect less than perfect. Even though he sometimes fights the stupid things, ultimately we get back to okay.i don't think he holds it over my head. I don't think I love him, but that's alright. It's better actually. Because that means I could stand to lose him. if it came down to it, i am confident i could truly just let go.I'm tough like that. But for now, I'll just take it day by day. I'll work just as hard as he does. I'll call him only if he asks me to. I'm done chasing after a ghost of a good thing. I've finally accepted that as long as I've got my hopes, I can still keep smiling through. No matter what the outcome

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