• as a forewarning; this entry is completely scattered, and is meant more as a written conversation between me and my logic, rather than an entry to inform or tell a story. so this week has been pure hell for me mentally. tye left to go see his family on saturday of last weekend and i have never felt so alone even though i am constantly around people. its funny [i know this has been said a million times before] but you really never truly appreciate what you have until its gone; its not like he is gone forever, and weve been talking every day on the phone, but face to face conversation is so much better especially when you just need some comfort. i have had a girl from work living with me because she needed a place to stay while she looked for a new apartment; she is in the midst of a divorce and i wanted to be a good friend and offer a hand; i said a hand though. not an arm, a leg, and my third toe. she moved in three weeks ago and brought along a four year old boy who desprately needs solid parenting and some discipline. i hate children, not like i would steal their candy without some feeling of guilt, but i have never coo'd over a baby, had the urge to have a kid of my own, and i hated to babysit other peoples kids; so this was probably the first red sign that this really wasnt the best of ideas. this kid has managed to allow me to lose all contact with reason and sanity and i am afraid that if things don't change real quick i may just lose my mind altogether. almost every single evening i walk into my apartment i can feel a strand of nerve snap causing it to thin out every single day for the last three weeks. he has drawn on our dining room table which was a gift from my parents with a permanent marker, drawn on our floor with a hot pink marker, smashed chips into the floor, pretzels are strewn everywhere in the living room, leave hot dogs all over the coffee table, and attach stickers to whatever seems decent at the moment. so you're probably saying to yourself; "so just kick her out." here comes my problem. even though i am female, i dont have any brain balls; i would rather sacrafice my own feelings of happiness to avoid conflict and tension between two people. the fact that tye isnt around doesn't help my situation either; it was nice having someone to come home to other than a four year old and a mother who needs some parenting advice. the psychiatrist i have been seeing is going to help me be more assertive toward people like our temporary tenant so that i can be happy in my life as well. i also have come to the realization that i may still be in love with cody pierson, the fucker who raped my sister and disrespected my family and the trust and respect i had foolishly believed to be there. i told my mother today that if i wasnt with such a great guy at the moment, and didnt have people surrounding me with opinions i respect, and the opportunity presented itself, i would most likely date him without question again; how fucked up is that. someone i dated for four years who so easily shrugged off everything we had been through and commited an act like he did. the psychiatrist said that my emotions are overriding my logic in this case which is what a lot of abused women do- even though they know that what is happening to them is wrong and unhealthy, they chose to stay in the relationship. i know though, that if i were to come in close face to face contact with him, i would most likey react in anger. its just moreso the fact that i have any positive/happy feelings toward him. i am constantly having a mental argument with myself over this conflict of emotions.

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