• Why do I need an identity? I know myself now. I identify with a constant stream of thoughts, that share my disposition towards a number of events, people, and ideas. Everything has an opinion associated with it, a judgement about what is right and wrong. But the most relieving thing I can do is to stop living in this world of constant struggle, where I expect to find happiness only when my most ideal thoughts are reached. To say the least, this is highly unlikely. Furthermore, even if I were to reach this "perfect" state, would I find lasting happiness? The world always changes...how can I base my life on changing worldly conditions? How can I base my life on the unknown? So the search for happiness can not be found through the personality, the identity. For me, my identity not only consists of judgements and opinions, but it also has an associated history of pride in being a certain way, but also extreme sadness due to the loneliness I have experienced. I now define myself according to this sadness...is this correct? Should one be defined based on their history? It is natural to think that your history makes you what you are today. But I think the reason I cling to it is because I feel I would not exist without it, without the sense of difference from the world, without the sense of having my own clique of friends, my own beliefs, my own place in the world. If I let go of this identity, will I cease to exist? Immediately, I suspect I would drift the world without an identity, but I certainly would continue to exist. But now I see I have trapped myself. My new identity would be formless, but that is an identity nonetheless. To speak of having NO identity whatsoever...what is this like? I know this. I felt this...when I was in the washroom. Everything is very peaceful in that part of the building, and I could hear the cars outside, passing by, making a gentle noise as the air passed over their surfaces, gliding over the snow and making a light spraying sound. For a moment, I was free of anything, free of my mind and its problems, and I felt at peace. I know that this state is far preferable to the one I live in every day, that there is nothing wrong with not seeking any identity at that moment. I just felt free, and able to be my true self without any preconceived ideas or limitations that subconsciously/consciously impacted my true self. When you define yourself by your history, and seek change in the future, you are doomed to live the same depression for the remainder of your life, because you realize life must be lived in the present. Coincidentally enough, the present is the moment when all problems can not exist (as described below), leading me back to the same formless state of non-identity exist (the true state of peace). I want to define...what is social anxiety disorder in this context? What is it to say that I am born with a problem, say Asperger's syndrome? Even in the formless presence of existence, does it not still exist and affect your presence? Maybe not as a problem dependent on time to exist, but still as a hindrance of some kind that prevents you from being who you are. I need to think about this.

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