• k, so I've finally done it. I have a list. 51 things i need to do before i die. i got it down on paper, handwritten all nice and officially. It seems sort of like a prop in a story, the very first line. "The year I was 16 I made my list. And over the course of my lifetime i found those 51 ridiculous little monumental goals to be all that's defined me". Something like that. But anyway, I'm psyched. I feel different. Older kind of. The way you should on birthdays but never actually do. It's a nice feeling. I feel like I'm just walking on air above all the shit I don't have to deal with down below. I'm flying so hard there's no room to care. Apparently, that's my big problem. I don't care enough. Why? I asked her. Is it because I just let things break me, run me over, and then hop back up for more? Is it because I can love from a distance, control what matters, what will haunt me for the rest of my life? My friend, she worries me. She has the opposite problem. She cares too much. And that, my friends, is how you get your heart ripped to shreds. I had a realizationg today. I was in the car, on the way home from the meet, listening to music and evaluating my life. I'm lucky. In comparison to the rest of the world, I'm like the fucking winner of the billion dollar lottery. Seriously. I have great friends. My family has money. I'm smart. I'm pretty. I will get a good education. My parents...they try. I am loved. I'm not saying this to brag;I don't mean my life's perfect. But it's pretty fucking decent. True perfection has to be imperfect anyway. So maybe it's good that somedays I have no idea how I'll make it, how sometimes I just wish I would disappear. Strange as it sounds, it makes me feel almost normal. it feels so honest not to make myself the victim for a change. And as for this whole journal thing, I kind of like writing like this. It's sure as hell nothing I'd try to publish, but it seems like something bored people would read. Not just glance over. Because it's poignagnt I guess. It hits close enought to home. I think I'm starting to grow up. Who knew I could learn to be someone I'm truly proud of?

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